Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Shower Time

Alright folks, it is time for me to teach you the correct way to take a shower (at least if you are a man, or want to be a man). I am sure that you have all showered before - or rather I am hopeful that you have all showered before - but have you showered correctly and effeciently? I doubt it, and that is why I am here to help.

1. The first step is one of the most important steps because without it you wont be able to get nearly as clean as you would without it. Turn on the water. Now I cant tell you how hot or cold to make the water as that is a matter of personal preference, but I can tell you that cold water is better for your skin and hot water is much more relaxing. Perhaps a happy medium is best for all. Also, if you are in a bath tub/shower, now is the perfect time to put the bath tub mat down. Since the bath tub is wet, the suctions on the bottom of your mat will stick and you wont slide down and break something.

2. Wet yourself thoroughly. I usually start with my legs and work my way up, finishing off with my hair. I have found that the best way to wet your hair is to stand facing away from the spicket and lean back. Run your fingers from your forehead backwards, making sure your hair is soaked.

3. Shampoo your head. Yes, your head, not just your hair. Get enough shampoo in your hand for your head and plop it on. Lather your hair completely, but wait, you arent done just yet. Make your hands as if you are pretending to be a scary bear and rub your fingers against your scalp (this is especially important if you have a dry scalp), thus scrubbing your scalp too. If you choose not to condition your hair, move onto the next step, if you are one who likes to condition keep reading. Get a little bit of conditioner in one hand and rub your hands together. Then gently guide your hands over yout entire head, spreading around the conditioner all over. Finally, work the conditioner into your hair until your hair feels silky smooth and all nots are removed

4. Shave. Yes, I prefer to shave in the shower, ALL my shaving. I start with my right sideburn and shave down my face towards my throat. I then shave the left side followed by my upper lip, lower lip, and finally my chin (unless I am growing a goatee, word. And yes, at 27 I still cant grow a full face of hair, but I am getting there, hopefully by the time I am 30...). If you dont shave anywhere else, more onto the next step. Now I dont really have that much body hair, in fact I have none except in my pubic region. If you are going to shave your balls, I suggest that before you take a shower sit around nude in a cold room for a little bit so that your ball sack contracts, making it a lot easier to shave. First, shave the area above your junk going with the grain if you dont shave this area often, and agaisnt the grain if you do (razor burn down there can really itch). Then shave your contracted ball sack and finally the gouche.

5. Soap time. Make sure that before you soap up that you clean the soap off, the last thing you want is bacteria that has been sitting on your soap since the shower was last used, especially if you share a shower AND soap. I start with the soap in my left hand and soap up my right arm. I then pass the soap to my right hand and do my left arm and my chest and back. I then do both legs, leaving my private areas for last, and there is a reason for that. Those areas are the darkest and most likely the dirtiest regions of your body. I clean my groin first and thorougly, and then wash the soap off so that my soap is clean. If you are shaved this is a little easier than if you carry around a bushy nutsack. Then clean off your ass followed by cleaning your asshole, then wash the soap again and return it to the soap holder. Rince off (I do my privates first as it is uncomfortable to have a soapy ass crack).

6. Rince your hair. It doesnt matter if you have shampoo or conditioner in at this step, face away from the shower head and rince your hair thoroughly (although if you have shampoo still in, use your fingers again to clean off your scalp).

Now you are just about done, but I would like to give you a little treat. After you wash your hair out, turn up the heat a little bit, until it is nearly too hot, but not quite hot enough to burn you. Face away from the shower head and lean back so that the stream of water is hitting the top of your forehead. Slowly move your head forward so that the water trickles down your head and your back. If you do this correctly you should sent tingles down your entire body, which feels real nie.

7. Get out. Get out of the shower and pick up the bath tub mat (if you leave it in it will become dirty and disgusting. Think about what grows best in dark, wet places).

8. Dry off. Use a towel starting at the top of your head and work your way down your entire body. I shouldnt need to tell you the most effecient way to do this, I am sure you have your own system. Although, in the summer time, or whenever it is hot, it is sometimes fun to dry off naturally

9. Enjoy your clean self with a leasurely roll in the mud!

I hope you enjoyed the correct way to clean yourself, I know I have. Oh, and just so you know, I am naked now;)

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