Steroids, How I Wish

I wish I had steroids so that my head could be as enlarged as Barry Bonds'! Sure my head is already big enough as it is in its non-steroid using size, but should I be on steroids and my head was enlarged, it could only mean one thing: I am a professional athlete making millions of dollars.

That's not to say that I would trade in my health and wellbeing for a chance to make millions of dollars, because I would! In a heartbeat no less (but kids, dont play with steroids or any drugs, drugs are bad)! Of course I would get off of them as soon as I made my millions. After my retirement I would admit to my steroid abuse and go on tour promoting healthy living without drugs. Of course I would get paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for each speaking engagement and naturally that money would feed my growing cocaine habit. Trading steroids for coke was easy! I am going to have to make sure that I dont have any Boy George moments and present myself in front of a camera with a dusty face. Although I would like to have a pile in front of me like the one Tony Montana had in Scarface and a double snorter would also be snazzy, but kids, drugs are bad.

Sooner or later the media would break into my house and find my hidden room with my hidden pile of coke. They would display my hidden, snazzy, double snorter and try to make me out to be the bad guy. But I will always carry with me an out, and this time I will confront my demons on Dr. Phil and let that fat cow yell at me for an hour on TV about how I am letting myself, my family, and my millions of fans down. I will take the abuse and then go into rehab, the Hawaiian rehab where all the stars go to get out of the spotlight, I mean get off the drugs.

Three months later I will come out with a clean bill of health and a healthy new addiction, huffing! Yes, me and my piles of money has resorted to huffing glue and sharpie's. While at rehab I couldnt snort, but for whatever reason my drawers were full of glue and sharpie's. I guess the rehab place thought I was artistic and they wanted to draw that out of me, how nice of them!

But now that I am out the glue and sharpie's just arent enough, so I will go into every kitchen appliance store I can find and purchase every last nitrous canisters they have and fill my huge house with balloons of happiness. As I waste away in my old age I will get enjoyment from knowing how Nintendo becomes inspired to create their music and watch as the athletes of the future figure out new ways to pass drug tests.

Then I will think to myself how funny it would be to watch Barry Bonds' head to pop off from his shoulders and zoom around the room as it quickly deflates.