Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Mother Fuck Spam

In this posting you will find me going off on spam email. Or perhaps I wont go off on it, maybe I will talk about all the good things one could find going through all the bullshit emails that one didnt ask for. Lets look through my email today alone! I have been offered 30 million dollars by the prince of Nigeria who needs me to put up some money so that he can then, in turn, put his money into my bank account since his account has been frozen. There must be an epidemic going around of rich princes not being able to turn their money into American currency because I have gotten the same offer from the prince of Sudan, the prince of Jordan, a few prince's from Saudi Arabia, and a prince from Russia. Does Russia even have a King? Oh, I also got this email from a guy named Bob calling himself a prince, but I tend not to believe him. Here is where I need your help, which prince should I invest in? Damned princes, making me make the tough decission, filthy rich mother fuckers.

Did you know that every other 2nd woman in the world (and every other 1.5 in Russia)is a webcam girl? That means that you can go to their shit little sites and for a mean $4.95 per minute you can watch them (hopefully) take their clothes off. For an extra $4.95 per minute you can type what you want them to do, or better yet, pay $20.00 to have a private 5 minute online chat with them. Let us not forget the men that are our there doing the same thing, since I got an email from Armando today telling me how he wanted to show me his huge member (honestly, what person uses the word "member" to describe their cock. I think the only time I used it was when I was 15, writing sexy love letters and didnt want to use the word "dick" again because I had already used it 85 times). Anyway, it was hard to turn down Armando because I really wanted to see what a huge member looked like. Equally as hard to turn away from was Leticia who almost had me click the link to her page. Man, her tits were fake, but great looking and that ass could bounce a quarter three stories high. Then I scrolled down to the final picture and saw that she had a dick. Now that didnt totally ruin it for me, because I am an open kinda guy - I like oddities, the problem was that she was looking at the camera, grabbing her, uh, woman/manhood and saying, "I cant wait to suck on your old, shriveled, grey balls." Damnit, he/she is into older folks, well fuck me, I guess I am going to have to get off to the 13 year old Elicia who likes to fuck herself in the ass with a teaspoon (Im guessing she will graduate to a tablespoon when she turns 14)(and for legal ramifications, there were no pictures to the 13 year old Elicia, just a link to her page;)). Either way, Elicia wants it, she is a horny mother fucker.

But what if I was having a problem getting my junk to function properly? Ah, good thing I have email, because I average about 15 emails a day trying to sell me viagra or any of its derivatives. Also, I have been offered numerous penis pumps, penis enlargers, penis lotions and the occational cock ring. I dont know if they are trying to tell me I have a problem or if I should quit my job and start working in porn. What sets me back though, is the daily offer for breast enlargers. Personally, I think mine are large enough, but apparently Bridgett from "The Pump" thinks mine can be "larger and more sexy so I can get the man of my dreams." Well, I have seen Jeniffer Aniston and I can proudly say that my tits are bigger than hers and Brad Pitt isnt knocking down my door. Good thing for Bridgett that I didnt get the pump to make my breasts larger otherwise I would sue those false advertising mother fuckers.

Moving along... I find it funny that lawyers who used to chase ambulences are now just spamming the shit out of everyone. "Break a leg on the job? poke yourself in the eye with someone else's pencil? Get fired for not showing up? Slip your cock in a co-worker, and get accused of rape? We get results for you! Worried about jail time, well just forget about it, by the time we are done your former company is going to owe you money, so much so that you can get that cock of yours gold platted. Bling, bling." Im about as likely to respond to one of those lawyers as I am to try to get a mortgage from some of those spamming mother fuckers.

The last bit of spam that I will comment on are the ones that promise you that you are guaranteed to win whatever shit prize they are trying to give away. "Act now and you can win this beautiful 12 pound turkey, trimmings not included." "Reply as soon as you read this and you could win this 8 inch black and white tv that isnt even cable ready." "Hurry, while supplies last you might be able to fuck a midget." Ok, you caught me, I made that last one up. Have you noticed that they never say "YOU HAVE WON," at least not in the text of the email. Sure, in the email title you are the big winner, but once you open that fucker up it is filled with "cans," and "coulds" and "maybe's," sometimes even "perhaps." I say fuck them! Who responds to these emails actually thinking that they may win? Imagine you, living in the south, getting on a computer for the first time, setting up a hotmail acount and receiving your first bit o' spam: "Hot Dang honey, we hit it big. It says here that we may have won this 80 inch big screen TV. All ! have to do is give this Arabian Prince some money, fuck three people - some Russian whore, this Armando guy with a huge member, and 13 year old Elicia who likes spoons, then I have to buy some viagra, get a penis pump and qualify for a mortgage. Good thing I got this email from this lawyer because I am gonna need help straightening all this stuff out. Dang, we some lucky mother fuckers."

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