HERE I AM AGAIN on my own
It has been far too long since I have posted some of my general musings, so here goes…. Most of these thoughts have come to me over the past year and I scribbled them down on one of my many post-it notes that litter my house and (now) cubicle. I actually put them in somewhat of an order today, which has allowed me to group together the following points. Enjoy! Or dont:
- If a woman is missing her left arm, does she put her wedding ring on her right ring finger? Or does she go out and get a fake arm to put it on that fake ring finger? If she can only afford a hook, does she put her wedding ring on that? Let’s be honest with ourselves though, who is marrying a chick with only one arm? I can understand marrying a woman with only one leg - there are some serviceable uses for a woman with one leg. But one arm? I dont see the point….
- If you are a criminal who was sentence to a long stretch in prison, do you go out and get a tattoo of a nude woman so you have something to look at while jerking off? And if so, does it look like this:
- Why does a Ford WindStar (mini-van) with a soccer mom at the helm have spinners on its wheels?
- English people are funny in that they look-just like us, but they have-just the quaintest, cutest lil accent. Wink. Smile.
- Since when did we become “too good” of a society to outlaw selling sex? Why is it ok to use parts of our bodies to make money, but not other parts? Whose grand idea was it to make it illegal in the first place? I bet it was some man who either wasn’t getting any, even at a brothel, or some woman whose husband just couldn’t stop himself from a whore spending spree. Either way, I hope that stick in the mud was hanged and quartered.
- Speaking of sex, how sexual is this little nursery rhyme?
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy ate roast beef
This little piggy had none
And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home
- No matter how talented Laura Knightlinger may or may not be as an actress or a comedian, nothing will take away from the fact that her plastic surgeon made her look like Michael Jackson.
- Ive talked about my hatred for Ashley Parker Angel before, so here goes again. He is nothing but a male Brittany Spears with less talent and no luscious booby-melons. I know his show is (thankfully) over, and hopefully wont get re-newed, but how blatant can MTV be about how the music industry is a shame? All his show proved was that talent, meaning and the music itself doesnt matter anymore. The bottom line depends on how much you can charge a teen for a substandard product backed by a marketing conglomerate.
- When I was a child and had a conversation with my father about something I wanted, he had a favorite line that he would use to convey his feelings towards my needs. These conversations went a little like this:
Me: “Dad, can I you buy me __________?”
Dad: “Because I said so.”
Me: “But Dad, I really want them!”
Dad: “You know what they used to say in the old west, dontcha?”
He loves me soooo much! Hehe
- I need a Kilt, desperately.
- I enjoy going to retirement parties, especially for people I barely know. Over the past year I have gone to 3 retirement dinners and 1 retirement lunch. I had minimal contact with these people, but was still required to go because my boss wanted to make sure that we had a good showing. Anyway, I enjoy going to these events because I get to watch as older people try to be funny, in a mean way, towards their friend/retiring co-worker, as they imbibe drink after drink. I can only hope that when I retire all my aging, disinterested, and grumpy friends will tell sordid tales of my youthful days.
- My decisions are not dictated by political affiliation, rather by what’s best for the community as a whole. At least that is what I tell myself to sleep better at night.
- Are we the sum of the situations that we survive?
- Right or wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion with equality. That being said, dont over evaluate your opinion and its usefulness to others.
- I believe in living a happy life and enjoying every moment that I can. Being good to other people is of the utmost importance. I understand that I get moody, even downright pissy at times, but I generally try to not let things get to me. If I am in a pissy way, I try to change my mood as quickly as possible. I believe in living a healthy lifestyle, for the most part (and only came upon this realization about a year ago). Baring any unforeseen illness or tragedy, I believe that I will enjoy a long life because of the choices I have made and the mentality that I encompass.
- The Ostrich, the Platypus, and the Kangaroo are just three examples of Mother Nature having a sense of humor and that life doesnt always have to be so serious. Did you know that the Ostrich can be calmed down by putting a sock on its head? Farmers made this possible by killing all of the birds that wouldn’t calm down after a sock was put on its head. The remaining Ostrich passed down this genetically linked calming gene to its offspring and so on! However, once the sock comes off, all Ostrich are generally crazed. Ostrich also vomit in their drinking water. Their vomit looks like our shit. Tasty! They can also kick a lion dead, so watch out. Their brains are the size of walnuts, yet somehow they have survived for over 100 million years.
- I am upset with my parents for having me finger printed when I was 6. They took me to this church across the street from the police station (why they didn’t have us finger printed at the police station I will never know) and told us that they were having us printed for our own protection. Now, while that may have been the case when I was a child, Im an adult now and my prints are on record. If I ever decide to turn to a life of crime I am going to be forced to wear gloves! That makes me none too happy.
- There are many examples of great cultures of influence having failed because they believed that their ways and customs were correct and proper for all other people and all places across the known world. Their ignorance (sometimes aided by natural disaster) ultimately led to their demise. Have we reached the peak of our influence? We, as a culture, should begin to be more weary of our motivations and decisions.
- We are nearly physically able to begin to travel the universe, but we are bogged down with bullshit issues such as gay inclusion, abortion, health care, etc, where we have to spend billions addressing these issues headache causing issues instead of spending that money to answer the mysteries of this world and others! I hope there will come a time when individual concerns are left to the individual (but still backed by the government – allowing people to do as they please, to a limit, national health care, etc) so that we can expand our intellect.
- If we find life on another planet will the Bible have to be rewritten?
- Today we talk about how bad we have it with these “terrorists,” but these fuckin pansy-ass “terrorists” can even hold a candle to the terror laid down by some Austrian painter named Hitler and his Nazi party. Our terrorists hide in caves and run from us, attacking every once in a while to remind us that they are still there. Hitler gained power with his mouth and mannerisms. He attacked his neighbors in broad daylight. He dropped bombs that decimated nations. He then turned on his own people, eliminating 6 million Jews and another 6 million Christians, Muslims, and Gypsy’s behind the entire worlds back. Imagine if he were around today, with today’s money, technology and impressionable youth!
- Im not a Jew, but I am still considered one by all Jews, no matter what I say! Christians, for that matter, also label me a Jew – after all, they come to me with their Jew questions. Im tired of being called a Jew, because in my mind I have never been one! Sure I had a Bar Mitzvah, but that was because my parents made me. I knew long before I turned 13 that I didn’t believe in any god. Ive expressed these thoughts millions of times over (ok, millions of times in my mind, less exaggerated in reality) to anyone who will listen, yet I still have to defend my atheistic ways! So if you know me, know me for what I am, not what my parents are!
So that’s it for now. I hope that you have enjoyed my thoughts or that I have at least sparked a few synapses in your head to get you thinking. Thinking about what? I really dont know, but any thinking is better than none at all. Good night and good luck.