Super Special Post
Before we get to the meat of this post I need to spell some things out to make the post understandable for those who dont know where I work (which would be everyone). I work in a township government building which is right across the street from the local High School. Now, for whatever reason, quite a few high school students wait to be picked up at the township library, which is part of the building I work in, and right next to the door I use to access my office. For a parent to pick up their child the parent first has to drive through the parking lot, then pull in front of the building where all the kids pile into who ever's housemom's minivan who had the misfortune of being in charge of carpool that day. Usually there are all sort of kids that wait out there in their cliches, the wannabe intellectuals/poser goths, the cute lil asians, the skaters, the nerds/dorks/dweebs, etc. Today, as I pulled into the parking lot, a "special" gift was waiting for me;).
As bad as this is going to sound, I am going to refer to this "special" gift as an It, not because I am heartless or mean (although I could be considered both by someone who doesnt really know me and my persona), but because there was no distinguishing clue as to the sex of it. In other words, dont get mad at me for calling it, "it," blame its parents gene pool. It was wearing red mesh shorts which were pulled up way to high over a greenish shirt. Normally shorts pulled up that high could give a clue to the sex of the wearer by a distinguishing moose knuckle or lovely cameltoe, yet neither existed. It also had brown socks on with toeless sneakers. Toeless? Yes, it is not a new fad, but a reflection of the age of the shoes themselves. It also had short blonde curly hair (couldnt get the typical soup bowl haircut, otherwise known as the Pete Rose, that a normal special kid would, if you have curly hair, so I suppose the parents of it instead invested in the flo-be) and glasses designed with the specific intent of burning ants. It was eagerly awaiting Its pick up with an extremely large, dark grey backpack that probably contained 5 lunch pales (what else could It have in there? Books?).
As I pulled into my parking spot I noticed a tan colored, rust infused Dodge POS, circa 1981, classic pulling around the parking lot. Immediately I knew I was in for a treat! The POS pulled up in front of the library and It got eager with anticipation. I have never seen someone so excited about a car ride. It started to run around the front of the car, but not a normal run mind you, no, It's upper body began to run before It's lower body received the signal to start moving. It looked like a drawing compass stuck at 90 degrees while running forward! It clodded past the drivers door, threw open the back door and launched It's backpack/lunch receptor clear across the back seat, landing with a thud behind the passenger seat. Shit, It should have just opened up the back passenger seat door and placed the bag down, it would have had the same effect for It.
At first I couldnt really imagine why It would enter the car through the rear, drivers side door. I initially thought that It's mother didnt want It sitting in the front seat. Of course It's mom would demand that It sit in the back seat for protection, but I couldnt get the idea out of my head that It's mom didnt want to be seen with It. Regardless, that rational was thrown out the window as quickly as It's back was thrown across the car. After the bag landed, It closed the door, excitedly sidesteps to the left and opened up the driver's door! As soon as It opened the door It began to pounce up and down like a cheerleader cheering her team on. I nearly lost composure as I watched one foot leave the ground simultaniously as the other foot returned to terra firma. It had to wait a little while though, because for however athletic It looked while waiting, It's mother is the antithesis - fat and plodding. Eventually, Mom of It removed herself from the car and not wasting any time, or even giving the seat a chance to grasp for air or even cool off, It planted itself in the driver's seat and began to rev the engine. Mom of It slowly meandered around the back of the car, opened the POS door with a slow creak and sat down, giving the suspension an unneeded test of durability.
I then experienced something that I had only previously seen in the movies. The herkying and jerkying of a new, teen driver. Until about 45 minutes ago I had never seen someone start and stop in such a studdering way with the exception of every 80s teen movie starting Molly Ringwald. Seeing that the show was almost over I left my car and began to walk back into the office, and eerily enough right into the path of destruction. As I crossed the street towards the building It peeled out and nearly ran me over! I used what little speed I had left to get out of It's way, and none too soon! The last thing I need is to be an ornimate on the front bumper of that car. Hell, if It did hit me, It and Mom of It would have probably kept on going until they got home, where they would leave me stuck on the front bumper to die a slow death in their family garage.
Neither It, or Mom of It noticed my plight, or the stop sign at the end of the driveway as It peeled out like the Jerry Lewis Telethon was on and they were missing it. That is the end of the story of It, I can only hope that I experience It and It's driving talents again on a later date.
While the story is over, I am left with some quandries as to our driving laws. 1) Should people who's glasses were clearly made for the Hubble telescope really be allowed to drive? 2) Should It, and people like It be allowed to drive? I mean I know the DMV is one of the few places that would hire someone like It (hell, that's the most saught after job for special-ed, followed closely by the spoon and fork sorting plant - I shit you not, but that is a story for another day), but should they really allow them to get their own licenses? 3) Why didnt It, of Mom of It, notice that they almost ran over a completely normal person (me)? Did they know I had intentions of writing this post? That total lack of respect for the rest of us is what is wrong with this world! Hehe, just kidding of course
I wish It, and Mom of It, the best luck in their persuance of a drivers license for it. Warning to all the animals who play in the streets, stay away, stay far, far away. And if you people see a Tan/Rust 1981 Doge POS classic, make a quick U-turn and head the other way. Best to not even get involved. While the humor is worthy, the life risk is not.
Finally, I would like to give a shot out to my idol, Fat-Lip, formerly from the Pharcyde. It's good to see you working again man! For those of you who dont know what I am talking about, go check out the new Ludacris video, "Get Back," Fat-Lip is the dude getting the shit kicked out of him by a Popeye-ish looking Luda. Gotta love Spike Jonez videos. Good to see Fat-Lip working again!