Mother, PLEASE!

I am a reasonable person, indeed! I try to be as fair to all people as possible, as long as I am treated equally as fair - reasonable. Sure I may have outbursts of comedic gold at the expense of the less fortunate, but if those people cant laugh at themselves, even just a little bit, is that my fault? Hardly.

But much like the Queen (Latifah) in the mid 90s, "Ive had it up to here" - with mothers.

Yes.

Mothers. You read correctly.

Not all mothers, mind you, just most of them. Most of my disgust is centered towards younger mothers, but there are still some older mothers who havent quite cut the cord who are still equally as annoying. Let me explain:

Women, once knocked up, form some sort of entitlement that I just cant comprehend. They feel that the world should stop for them and their baby, and, quite frankly, it shouldnt. Dont get me wrong, I am quite thankful that you women aid in the continuation of our species, but I dont believe you should be getting away with murder just because you feel you can.

Besides the crippled, who gets better parking spaces in parking lots?

Who allowed to board planes first?

Why is it ok for your kid to scream at the top of it's lungs without reproduction - "aww, who's the cute screaming baby. Baby is so good. I love baby." Well, I dont love baby, take it outside or shut it up!

How did the stroller become part of the female body and why are there no rules of etiquette for its use? My foot didnt mysteriously appear under the stroller's wheel, you ran over it, and can you please stop using it as an obstacle that I need a compass to navigate? Am I the only one who gets nostalgic over the scene in The Untouchables? Glorious.

Yes, I understand that you give birth and that it is painful, but dont tell me I cant handle that pain because I am a man. That's just silly talk. It would hurt a lot more if a baby had to come out of my penis, so it just makes sense that women give birth out their relatively gaping hole. Gaping, really? Fine, a sometimes gaping hole.

And it isnt like I checked off the box for not wanting to give birth. If I had to, I would, without complaint, but I dont, so as my father would tell me, "tough shit."

Look, Im not out to get womanhood mad at me, the last thing I need is a gaggle of angry, pants-pulled-too-high feminists chasing me down with their brooms and rolling pins. I just want women to get over their sense of entitlement that comes once a sperm pierces the egg. I want to be able to get up from a table in a restaurant without being blocked in by a stroller. I want women to realize that there are other people in this world that matter other than their snot spitting, dirty pants wearing, time consuming children.

Is that too much to ask?

And again quoting the Queen, cant we all get along under "U.N.I.T.Y."?