Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Monday, January 24, 2005

FUCK snow (The People are Morons Remix)

I know I already made a post about how much I now hate snow, but my hatred for snow has been surpaced by my hatred for people in the snow. Perhaps it is just a Philadelphia thing, where people act more idiotic than usual, but I have my doubts. I believe that this is a universal problem, where when it snows people with low intelligence levels stoop to newer and greater lows!

My first example of what I will call Human Snow Stupidity (HSS) occured whilst I was driving home tonight from work. I take the most windy road in Philadelphia, and quite possibly on the east coast (think Lombard St in San Francisco without the incline), Lincoln Drive, where during good conditions the state recommends that you dont travel above 25 mph. Today, as you already know, the ground was covered with snow, and since the road is complex it appears that it was hard for the plow operators to do an adequate job in maintaining two lanes in each direction. To compound the problem, it began to snow even more! As I meander, going a quaint two five, from behind me up comes a Volkswagen Bug going, oh, at least 75! This douchebag was not only sliding all over the place, pushing cars into snow drifts, and honking, but he was visibly smirking and laughing! It was almost as if he was traveling with a nitrous tank in his car that was jarred open by one of his slanting turns! I have never wished a fiery death upon a person before. As he passed me I thought about taking one for the team by giving his car a little nudge in the hopes of taking him out, however the thoughts of Dale Ernhardt slamming into a wall at Daytona and me rotting away in a jail, getting raped on alternate tuesdays by a huge Arian named Big Earl, led me to not act on my desires. After he passed me and traveled another quarter mile I lost him in the falling snow that was quickly becoming a blizzard. Hopefully his car is now parked in the bottom of the frozen Schuylkill River with him still strapped in the drivers seat.

As I continued to drive everything was going swimmingly until I got to Market Street in the center of Philadelphia. As I got halfway between 8th and 7th streets a lean, Michael Jordan clone ran out across the street and hurdled the two and a half foot snow bank that was piled up due to the snow plows. Like the lemmings that are many Philadelphians, a handful of people in worse shape followed suit. The first three people walked/ran across the street and climbed the snow bank slowly, but got across quick enough so that i didnt have to slam on my brakes (and by slam I mean gently apply the breaks and slide for 30 feet). However, the fourth person, a behemouth of a woman, sauntered across the frozen road, going slowly as to not loose her footing. Her heft alone should have allowed her to cross the road without any problems, however she gingerly stepped as if she were a ballerina trying to land one of those triple spins. As she approached the yellow lines, instead of stopping and looking she merely put out her hand in order for me to stop for the elephant crossing. She finally reached the end of the road, but her journey was far from over. To her, the pile of snow was like a daunting cliff to a mountain climber. She reached and reached, like a child on its tippy-toes reaching up as high as it could in order to grab the cookie jar. But much like the little tot who couldnt get the cookie, she could not get to the top of the pile. Degected, yet undetered, she walked along the snow pile to the corner where she should have rightfully crossed in the first place, taking up one lane of traffic as she shifted her weight from side to side. What I wouldnt have given for a camera phone, or rather a harpoon to put the poor beached whale out of its frozen misery.

Similarly, I have never seen so many people stand on the road waiting for the light to change instead of waiting on the sidewalk. It was as if they felt safer on the slippery road with cars zooming past them than they did on the remarkably shoveled and salted sidewalk! And must you wait for the bus by standing in a lane of traffic? Do you think that the bus is not going to stop for you unless you stand in front of it? While I dont have much respect for bus drivers and their intelligence levels, it is their one repsonsibility to look into the bus shelters, see the people waiting for the bus, and then apply pressure to the brakes, thus stopping the bus! And dont even get me started on the bike messengers who made it into work today. They should all fall, and slip under an oncoming Hummer.

And I used to think that the stupidest people only come out when it rains. Someone needs to study this HSS phenomenon and get back to me. While I will complain, bitch and moan, who am I to actually do any leg work!


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