FUCK Snow

And by snow, I mean that flakey white shit that falls from the sky, not the nose sentilating nose candy that so many enjoy and become addicted too. That shit I might be able to handle, but this cold stuff, fuck it I say!

I remember when I was a lil chum, my sister and I would play for hours in the snow with our mittens snapped on (and later with our Freezy Freaky gloves) tight and our hats pulled down to our eyebrows (I always wanted one of those full face hats with the cut outs for my eyes, nose and mouth, but that never materialized for me). Least I forget the snow pants that made us both look like Ralphie's little brother from "A Christmas Story." I remember sleading down a hill, towards the neighborhood creak, and getting so much speed that I actually fell in! Some parent grabbed me up and took me inside, but I swore up and down that I wasnt cold and could go back to sleading. It didnt happen, but i was ready to go back out. I remember a time when I would make snowball after snowball and launch them at my sister, only to get pelted just as many often as i was able to unleash fury on her. I remember never wanting to come in from playing in the moisty goodness, but alas, it was all ruined when I had to start shoveling the driveway.

My dad, for whatever reason, was one of the few people with a snowblower when I was in middle and high school. Normally that would lead you to believe that my dad would let me use the snowblower while he would sit inside, peering out the window with a hot mug o' cocoa, but alas, this is my family, and that was not the case. As I begun shoveling (up until 1993 with a flat shovel, and if I was unlucky, with the spade. Thats right, we owned a snowblower, but nary a snow shovel until later in my high school years) my dad would first mix the gas with the oil, then gas the blower up and then take about 15 minutes to get the fucking thing started. By that time I would have half the driveway done and the walkway leading to the front door. Naturally, he would start blowing the snow and where do you think said blown snow would land? Ah yes, right where I just finished shoveling. Eventually we would finish the job, but alas, the storm just started, this would only be the first of at least 5 shoveling periods. By the time I thawed out, had a deliscious cup o' joe, and watched some newcaster tell me about how bad it was outside and about how you should minimize your time spent out in the blustery winter weather, it was time to go back out again and start the process from the beginning. Even the mail man, who shant be stopped from his duty to deliever the mail, took time to laugh at my sorry soul.

So now I hate snow, although occassionally it is the cause for an extended weekend or a mid-week break, though not nearly enough for my liking. Today, not only is there over 12 inches of snow, but it is freezing cold out (freezy freaky's wouldnt even have worked, they would have just turned white, fuckin 1980s technology). My idiot neighbors, being the selfish bores that they are, decided that their sidewalk was more important than the small street that passes by my door, so naturally they shoveled their snow into the street, eliminating all hopes of the mini plow getting through my street. Instead of the foot of snow that would have been easily handled, there is now well over two feet of snow, completely blocking the street, which I am sure will remain that way until early April. Also, my car was buried in the now gray snow. Took me nearly an hour and a half to undig, although I did take a 30 minute break to warm up and watch the news, hoping that my work would be closed (kind of reminded me of when I was a boy, sitting by the heater, warming my digits and the radio ran through the school number: "Did he say 302? Did he say 302?).

The streets of Philadelphia (Springstein? eech) could have doubled for a hockey rink, all that was needed was a zamboni. It took me another hour just to drive out of the city! I guess every municiple worker was too busy getting drunk, sustaining their buzz, or passed out from the Eagles win to care about the roads. Makes me want to wish an icey death to those fuckers, but I am too enlightened to think that way. I will just use my jedi mind powers to keep them in their sullen, poor white trash lives so that when I am old and rich, they are still plowing the city streets and hating life. Serves you right, you drunken clods!