You Make Me Want To Lala

Alright, Ill admit it, I watch that Ashlee Simpson show on MTV religiously. Yep, every new episode that airs I dont miss. Sure I dont fit the target demographic, but I dont watch it to be told what is cool and I certainly dont watch it to be influenced into buying her crappy record. No, I watch it because it makes me more angry than anything else in this cruel, cruel world.

Any of you who know me, know that I am easy going and funny (dont mean to pat myself on the back, but why should I lie about something like that, the truth is that I AM damned funny!), however, when I watch this senseless bitch, every wednesday evening at 10:30PM, I become spiteful and full of rage. I am ensensed that someone as talentless as her not only has a record deal, but has a record deal at Geffen Records, which in my opinion USED to be one of the top labels around, a label that wouldnt sign someone unless they had talent, and not a marketable talent mind you, actual through and through talent. It is a shame that todays world would take a reputable company such as Geffen and turn it into just another money hungry venture on the same level as an elementary school lunchtime bully who comes around every day to steal your milk money. Iscream foul!

And to make matters worse her album went platinum! PLATINUM! That means that she sold more than 1 million records! I remember a time, not to long ago mind you, when that was a distinguished honor bestowed on only the best of the best albums out there. Today, however, it is painfully obvious that our youth will buy any crap that is pushed on them simply because it is the "thing" to do. Can any of you honestly believe that her talent sold all those records? Hardly.

Lets take our way back machine to the early to mid 1980s, when cartoons like the Transformers, GI Joe and Rainbow Bright were on saturday morning TV. It was believed that those kinds of shows were only produced as a half hour commercial to sell toys and were taken off the air for a little while because of that. Meanwhile, those shows actually had some redeeming value in the lessons that they tought children. Today we have these celebraty reality shows that are only produced to sell one stinking CD or another, but the problem is that there are no morals in any of these shows! Now far be it for me to cry about the lack of morals, but at least the cartoons were trying to be somewhat responsible. Ashlee Simpson and her big breasted (and much more talented) sister are on TV solely to sell themselves.

Now I havent seen tonights episode yet, obviously because it hasnt aired yet, but in the preview Ashlee says something along the lines of (in reference to her SNL lip syncing snafu) "if this ends my career that is a shame." Are you fucking kidding me? Is she that blind to why she is successful? Obviously! And that is the main reason that I get so angry at this show. She is completely clueless to how the world really works. She became a star because her last name is Simpson and because she is related to Jessica. That is it, end of story. It doesnt take a record producer to realize that she has zero talent, all you have to do is what the first season of her show, when in every episode she had one problem or another with her voice. Then she has the audacity to blame acid reflux for the SNL problem? And everyone booing her at the Orange Bowl was because she was rooting for USC? Ughch, you should shut up and die! I could only hope a pray for a martyr to suicide bomb her ass. Seventy Two virgins for the first man to blow that bitch up.

But then again, if she was dead how would I get my anger out? See, for as much as I hate her and her career, I am equally as thankful to her because she has become my outlet. I could be out there on the streets raping stray dogs, but I am kept in check because of this crooked nosed beast (and by crooked nosed I DO NOT mean Jew, so I dont want to hear any talk of that kind in here). I can only hope that this rating juggernaut will remain on the air for years to come, not only for my sanity, but for the safety of the neighborhood dogs. Not to mention, she is bound to crash and burn sooner or later, and better it be on TV than not.

(PS - What, in the name of Job, is a "lala," besides her ridiculous attempt at making up her own vernacular? Imagine two 13 year old sluts talking to each other on the middle school playground. Slut 1, named Trista, has real big cans for her age, which the boys have definately noticed (although there are rumors circulating the cafeteria stating that she had professional work done) is talking to slut 2, who is called Jasmine, but whos real name is Justine and who has a real purty mouth.

Trista: "Jas, what did you and Billy do last night?"
Jasmine: "Oh, lala."
Trista: "Really, how big was his lala?"
Jasmine: "Bigger than Ryans lala."
Trista: "How did it taste?"
Jasmine: "Like lala."

So it is obvious that this trollup isnt only selling crappy cds, she is also peddling smut to minors and creating a new lingo so that said minors can talk in code around their parents and get away with it. im lining up the virgins as we speak, any takers?)