Why Won't Someone Intervent Me?

I can admit it, I am addicted to some things and I need help. The only problem is that I am not addicted enough to one thing, I am addicted a little bit to a few things. Does that leave me out in the cold when it comes to an intervention? What would my family and friends choose to confront me with?

"Son, your addiction to Mountain Dew has really hurt the family. You spend all your time sipping the sappy yellow goodness just to get your caffeine high. You’re not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting all of us too. Do you realize how much money you could save if you just drank water?"

Sounds like my dad has a pee fetish, doesnt it? But that pales in comparison to the fetish that my doctor has. I found out what he "likes" because my sister works in a book store and he didnt recognize her at the cash register whilst he was making his purchase. Unfortunately I cant tell you what he is into because that would break the Hippocratic Oath of patient/doctor relations;)

Hmm, I suppose that my addiction to mountain dew is the only addiction that I want to bring up right now. I guess I am just not ready to delve into my own psychosis to figure out my problems. PEOPLE, I AM CRYING OUT FOR HELP! It is as if I am Macaulay Caulkin's character in "The Good Son," hanging off that cliff screaming for a hand to save my life, yet my best friend's mother just cant reach me and I am about to plummet to my rocky death.

Can't you see the pain in my life?

I weep....