Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Mythical Cum Tree

While walking around the City of Brotherly Love this weekend I came across a smell t'which my nose had very rarely been privy, and at first I couldnt place it. I was walking around 12th and Pine (sometimes known as the Gayborhood, but who am I to judge?) when I first noticed the offensive odor. Pungent it was! It wasnt until a few whiffs later that I was finally able to place the odious scent - man juice!

My first reaction was that there must have been a huge orgy the night before and all the used condoms must have been left outside in the heat. Not hot enough to sweat, but hot enough to foul some liquid love!

But as I continued to walk throughout the city the smell would not dissipate. So naturally I came to the realization that the semen aqueduct built in the early 1900s by the Greek immigrants had finally broken down.

It wasnt until I ended up on South Street that my nose finally led me to look skyward that I found the source of the stench: The mythical, and often overlooked, Cum Tree.

I have never seen or smelled this Cum Tree before in my life, but as I live and breathe (softly) I have now. I can only hypothesis that the tree has lain dormant for the past few years due to the fact that spring has gone missing in Philadelphia recently. However, this year the weather has been moderate and the rain plentiful, allowing the Cum Tree to bloom, sharing its beautifully delicate white flowers and its awfully pungent odor. I can only imagine what kind of honey bees are attracted to this tree, but I would venture to guess that while they might show up fashionably late, they are fabulously dressed. Bzzz dahling, Bzzz.

148 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?

12:34 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the cum tree exists and is alive and well, especially in northeast ohio
the cum tree is not a myth, i've seen it and hot boxed it... delicious

8:26 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oxthemoron is stupid. don't listen to him. i dont know what a cum tree is but apparently my friends got a whiff the other day

8:44 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have smelt the Cum Tree in both London, England, and the East Coast of Australia. It is not a myth!

1:42 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it exist in Atlanta, GA as well I've been smelling it for years

11:39 AM

 
Blogger J said...

I'm in Atlanta, it reeks of Cum right now.

3:45 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The cum tree is no myth. I've been online searching (fruitfully, it turns out (no pun intended)) for references to a "semen tree" or a "cum tree"--I live in Northern California and recently, oh man, 'twas the season for rotting cum-blossoms! It's overpowering, and it clearly coincides with springtime rains/warming. Apparently there is more than one tree that produces the distinctive smell, including the glossy privet (lingustrum lucidum), Chinese privet (lingustrum sinense), the Chinese "tree of heaven" (ailanthus altissima, used, unsurprisingly, to treat impotency in ancient China) and the Carob tree (ceratonia siliqua)--all of which can be found in the U.S. Which leaves just one question...should this be turning me on?

11:34 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey now... no need to hurl insults. I'm a friend and only messing.

10:35 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude they have this "cum" tree all over the west coast in america

10:18 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I go to USC, and there are cum trees everywhere!

2:25 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was sitting in a Downtown Sacramento park just about ready to eat my lunch and, “yuck, what is that stench?” It smelled just like stale pigeon shit, or so I thought. When I ask my luncheon companion if they smelled it too, they answered in the affirmative and explained to me that it was, indeed, the Cum Tree. I couldn’t believe it and he looked it up on Google. Sure enough — the internet doesn’t lie, does it?

5:54 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The University of Redlands has a Cum Tree that can be smelled from buildings around

3:56 PM

 
Anonymous agod2some said...

That's funny. We have these trees all over the place in Arkansas. I've been calling them Cum Trees for years. Just for the hell of it, I Googled "cum tree" to see if anyone else called them the same, and your article came-up. (lmao - no pun intended, bro)

9:23 PM

 
Anonymous Jamie, UK said...

I walk through my picturesque English village on a peaceful spring morn'. The birds sing, and the sun gives the landscape an unparalleled beauty... until, without warning, the undeniable stench of cum wafts into my unsuspecting nostrils, spoiling an almost perfect moment! For years we've referred to a few plants around my area as "cum tree's". Decided to google it today and I couldn't believe other's were calling it that too! Haha, awesome. Long live the greatest of flora, the mighty cum tree!

11:13 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what's the species!?

4:47 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

western PA here - the CHESTNUT trees reek badly and have been referred to as cum trees for years...

1:47 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The cum tree is alive and well in Bucks county PA. My friends and I have been calling them that for years. As a matter of fact, the local park in my neighborhood is covered in jiz trees! It is also a great place to pick up horny chicks! Is there a link?

3:10 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another cum tree report coming in on Purdue's campus.

All over the Engineering mall during the spring.

2:48 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carob_tree

5:19 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have recently lived in northern NJ and southwest ohio, and the jizz tree is alive and well in both areas...

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Blogger OddThomas said...

Just been watching Mitchel and Webb doing a sketch with one of these trees and Queen Victoria, and was reminded of smelling them in London a couple of years ago. Freaked me out a bit when I smelled it, til my mate explained what it was :-)

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Blogger OddThomas said...

Just in case you were wondering...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4p0uw42cdo

:-)

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ini adalah pertama kalinya saya saya kunjungi di sini. Saya menemukan banyak hal menarik di blog Anda terutama pembahasannya. Dari ton komentar pada artikel Anda, saya kira saya bukan satu-satunya memiliki semua kenikmatan di sini! terus bekerja dengan baik.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMFG!Dont dis this person it's efing true! its terrible, but true, the smell is identicle and i live in australia!

12:33 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so true! in Iowa it's actually the "bradford pear tree" and yes it smells exactly like jizz!

8:24 PM

 
Anonymous TheIntrinsicGuru said...

Great post man, found your style of writing highly entertaining. The cum tree is abundant in my area of Surrey in England too. Have to point out though that you mean 'hypothesise' rather than 'hypothesis'.

10:24 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It smells so bad I have the tree in my front yard in elk grove CA northern

1:32 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is the smell of the Bradford Pear tree, which is currently blooming like crazy here in metro Charlotte.

12:32 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Cum Tree is all over Denver, there were 2 outside my apartment last year. I loved that apartment but could not live there a second year. It was overwhelming.

11:27 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! I'm in Atlanta and when I exit my neighborhood, I can't escape the smell.

5:42 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we also have cumtrees in france. odd smell

12:50 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are cum trees on the campus of Texas Tech University.

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