You Have a Red Light Mr. Cocksucker

As further evidence that I see some of the craziest shit while driving home I submit the following story which happened to me no less than 15 minutes ago while driving home.

If you know the lay out of Philadelphia then when I say that I was driving down Benjamin Franklin Parkway, you know where I was (and if you arent from Philly, the Benjamin Franklin Parkway is the road that leads from the Philadelphia Art Museum, where Rocky ran up the steps, to City Hall, where Mayor John Street lends new meaning to the phrase "running a corrupt government."). As you get to the end of the parkway the Franklin Institute is on your right hand side, at this point in the road many people who walk across the parkway end up having to wait on the median. This was the situation today, as there were at least 5 people standing on the median for their turn to walk across the street. This is where the story officially begins.

I was flying (metaphorically speaking, as I really wasnt flying, I was driving with excessive speed) down the parkway in the right-most lane (there are three lanes on each side of the parkway) as I normally do because if I get up to a certain speed I can time it so that I make every single light, including the 4 menacing lights that are meant to impede my progress around the utterly annoying Logan Circle. As I approached the median with the small crowd of people waiting to cross the street I notice one small, gray and white haired man who decided to make a run for it. His tanned skin clashed with dirtied yellow shirt (complete with holes in the armpits). His tiny little legs looked much longer than they actually were due to his ridiculously small and wrinkled khaki shorts. His feet were propelled by gray tattered sneakers with green socks pulled half way up his shins to protect his paws from blisters. His running style was more of a shuffle than anything else as he was barely picking his feet up off the ground. He cleared my lane and nearly made it to the sidewalk when (and this is only speculation as I am not able to read the minds of the insane) he must have decided that my speed was meant to impact him. Instead of climbing up on the curb, this scumbag decided he would confront me and my moving vehicle. He walked back into my lane and while practicing his best pirate stance he shook his black umbrella at me while shouting some unintelligible nonsense which was left non-descript by my non-discerning ears (I couldnt understand what he was saying).

I swerved into the middle lane to avoid this suicidal maniac and since my window was open due to the hotness of the day I yelled, "You have a red light, cocksucker," but because of the doppler effect I am sure he only heard, "mumble, grumble, red, grumble, mumble." I then swerved back into my lane and enjoyed the rest of my ride home.

Just another story to add to the craziness that usually accompanies me while I drive around; old men waving canes, tractor trailers pulling down power lines, bumpers flying off mini-vans, cars running into poles that start electrical fires, gun shot victims laying in the middle of the street, too many accidents to count, and now crazy old men trying to kill themselves with my speeding car. I better check to make sure my premium is paid.