The Silly Things We Say

I often find myself consciously willing to say things just to see the reaction on peoples faces when I say them. However, there have been times that I say mean things because I dont think (me?).

For example, when I was in high school, injured and unable to play football, I would go to the games and play in the band, but I wouldnt play in the half-time "show" (if you could call what our band did a show... They marched out as a box to the 50 yard line, stopped, played three songs, and marched off) because the only time I wanted to be on a football field was if I was playing. Anyway, my sister was in the band, as well as one of my best friends. My parents, being the supportive folks that they were, and still are, came to all the games to watch my sister play in the band (they also never missed a football game that I played in, in high school, and then also in college). When the half-time "show" was about to begin I went off to sit next to my parents and view all the spectacularness from there. As the band walked out onto the field my mom stands up and points towards my sister exclaiming, "there she is." She then turns to me and asks where my friend is and I respond by pointing and saying, "there he is, the short, fat, mushroom looking guy." Then, what do I hear in my left ear? "Hi Josh, how are you doing?" Recognizing the voice I slowly turn around and low and behold, who is sitting almost directly behind me? My good friend's father, who asked how I was doing, his mother, and his sister. Feeling ashamed, foolish, and downright low, I say "good," turn around, and dont look back. What an ass I was that day. Oh, and if my friend reads this, as I am sure he might, you did look like a mushroom that day. That being said, you dont look like one any longer! Good for you for loosing that weight! I am proud.

Another time, again during my high school days, I was walking around a local strip mall with my mom and we ran into one of our neighbors who has twin daughters who are my age. We got to talking to this lady, who was a teacher at a local private, all girls school, about how one of her daughters was in school with me while the other was at the private school (apparently if you are a teacher, you get free tuition for one child). We learned that the one from my school was going to college, while the other decided to not go. After the conversation I turned to my mom and said, "I always thought that [name removed] was the smarter one" ([name removed] being the one that was in the private school and not going to college). Naturally, right after I get the words out of my mouth the neighbor comes walking by, I guess she forgot something at the hair salon. Whoops, there's my dirty shoe in my mouth again.

But by far, the meanest thing I have ever said, or at least the meanest thing that I remember, was a couple years ago while a co-worker (and one of my closest friends) and I were working on a Saturday morning at a community fair. We had set up our tent the previous day and expected that no one would take it because who would take another persons tent? Well, we arrive early that saturday only to find that the local senior center had not only occupied our tent, but had already laid out all of there stuff and were just sitting around, lounging if you will. Being the young stallion that I was, I was noticably shaken and marched right over to out tent and asked what was going on. Me and a few of the older people began to squabble as my co-worker quietly laughed her head off on the periphery. The old folks began to complain about their aching bones and talked about all their operations. Being the dick-head that I am I proudly ask, "what, do you want me to feel bad for you because you are old?? Oh boy did that shut them up! I think a few dentures dropped to the ground and it smelled like one old bat dropped a load in her pants. You know, come to think of it, I am not ashamed at all for this one, in fact, it still makes me giggle to this day, and if I ask my friend about it she still nearly falls to the ground (in fact, she did have a seizure about 5 minutes after that, hmm, I wonder if I am to blame?).

I guess what I am saying is that you should look before you leap. If you are going to say something dumb, or mean, make sure whoever you are talking about, or any of their relatives, arent around before you open your big dumb mouth. But at the same time, never pass up an opportunity to disrespect an old person.