Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Tou Kuzi

The other night, as I was washing off my ass in the shower I pulled a thick, black hair out of my ass crack. After recovering from the initial tingle that the hair produced when rubbing between my cheeks, I started to think about how a thick, black hair could become lodged in my ass.

Obviously, the hair wasnt mine because my hair is short and brownish, with a hint of red, blonde and sometimes white. I hadnt been blown in a while, so it wasnt as if the hair could have been a byproduct of a good time. I set the thick, black hair aside so I could further study it later on, after my shower.

Once I was done cleaning myself thoroughly, paying extra attention to my ass crack because of the foreign intrusion, I dried myself off and got dressed. I then sat down at my office desk and pulled out my trusty microscope to investigate the thick black hair. It didnt take me long to realize that the hair was from a person of Asian descent. And while this new finding answered one question, a whole new question arose: why was an Asian, thick, black hair in my ass?

I thought back to my recent contact with anyone who might be the slightest bit Asian, and really couldnt think of anything. It's not that I dont like Asians, quite the contrary actually. In fact, I am smitten with Asian females, but that is beside the point. It just happens that I dont really come into contact with many. The sad fact is that I really dont come into contact with many people at all, regardless of their race.

Then I remembered that a couple weeks ago I picked up my dry cleaning from my Asian dry cleaners. The pants I wore the day that I found the Asian, thick, black hair in my ass were worn for the first time since their cleaning. But how did this hair get into my pants, after all, they were pressed, folded, and bagged. SO I went onto the internet to do some research.

I did a thorough google search of all things involving Asians, hair, and pants, and as many derivatives of all of the above. I searched for hours with no real results. Then I put in Asian Head Pants and stunningly, after about twenty pages of meaningless results I found something relevant.

There is an indigenous tribe of Chinese people living in north eastern China called the Tou Kuzi. There isnt much known about these people since their tribe is deep in the forest and they arent friendly with westerners.

However, one westerner, a German fellow named Efinure van Hausen, managed to not only find this tribe, but he was allowed to spend a week imbedded in their tribe. What he saw was one of the oddest, yet remarkable sites that anyone had ever seen.

While van Hausen wasnt permitted to take pictures, since cameras steal souls, he did describe the one tribal ritual that peeked my interest. The Tou Kuzi, after defeating a neighboring hostile tribe, put the pants of their defeated enemies on their heads and celebrated while chanting and dancing around the tribal central area.

Not much else is known about the Tou Kuzi. Efinure van Hausen has been missing for some time. The last he was seen was when he was on his way to the Congo to study the tribes there. He hasnt published his Tou Kuzi findings yet, but was expected to when he got back from the Congo. His return was expected three years ago.

With my leads squandering, I went back to my dry cleaner and said nothing but "Tou Kuzi." The lady squinted her eyes, pursed her lips, grabbed my hand and led me to the back of her store. Once there she turned to her right and stood before a small, dirty door. She quickly undid two deadbolt locks and the door opened with a slow creaking. She led me into the room and turned on the lights.

I looked around the room and saw that the walls were covered with drawing of small Asian people with pants on their heads. There was a pair of pants laying across the floor.

It turns out that my dry cleaner is a member of the Tou Kuzi who left China 5 years ago to earn enough money so that her tribe could remain secluded in the forest. She told me that most of the women leave the tribe for at least a little while to make money for the tribe while the men stay behind to fend off foes and raise the children. The women eventually come back, usually in their early 30s, so that they can procreate.

She also told me that she does sometimes use customer pants to honor her gods and remember her family and the tribes customs. She apologized and thanked me for the use of my pants. She then asked that I not tell anyone of her secret and of her tribes customs, while letting me know that my dry cleaning will be free for as long as she is running the store.

I left, happy with myself upon discovering why there was a thick, black hair in my ass crack, and newly informed on some strange people and their strange customs that I never knew existed. The free dry cleaning was just an added bonus.

So revel in these people and their customs, but dont dare share this info with other people, because if you do, they will find you, kill you, and dance around with your pants on their head.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

tou kuzi, more like amusing pants tribe to me. hehe

5:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, how fictional was this?

6:08 AM

Blogger Luindur said...

100% fictional!

7:54 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home