Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Wave Game

So last week while driving home I created a new game that can make a long, dull, uninteresting car ride home from a long, dull, uninteresting day at work, a lot more fun and exciting! I created the Wave Game!


It all started out while I was dancing around in my car, as I often do (and have since high school - it all started with the Pharcyde's Soulflower), and someone in the next car over caught my eye, so naturally I waved. I then started looking into every car that car that I passed and waved, and also waved at the people walking on the street. Thus the craze began.


This game is all about the reaction of the wavee (person receiving the wave from you, the waver). In my experience I have found that there are three basic responses to a wave. There is the "aww thanks" response, where the person seems generally pleased with receiving a wave from a complete stranger. Hey, you might have even made this persons day! The second general response is the "why are you waving at me response." This reaction to your wave usually comes from a self conscious person who must be thinking to themselves, "do I know this guy, does this guy know me?" Or perhaps they could be thinking, "oh shit, I hope I didnt fuck that guy" (guy can be substituted with the term gal, obviously this game is open to all sexes!). This wavee will also, nine times out of ten, look behind them to make sure that you, the waver, is actually waving at them. Hell, they can be standing against a brick wall and they will still turn around! The final general response is the "fuck you" response, where the wavee will generally extend his, or her, middle finger in response to your generous wave. Just laugh it off and move on.

All that being said, the wavee is not the only person you can get a reaction from. The person in the car behind you is a wealth of amusement. Most of the time they must be thinking that they are following the car of a special person, and in my case that is true! Make sure that the person behind you, or as I call them, the follower, is as entertained as the person you are waving to!


You would think that the rules for such a simple sounding game would be, well, simple. However, that thought could not be further from the truth. While the rules are not complex, to get the maximum amount of joy out of the game they must be followed. For easy reading and understanding, I have broken the rules down into 4 chategories: general rules, beginner rules, moderately experienced rules, advanced rules.

General Rules:
1) You must be playing music that will make you dance uncontrollably for long periods of time, and although you may look like a fool lets get real, you are playing a game called the Wave Game. I strongly suggest my favorite genre of music, Gay Disco House. All the beat are constant and happy! However, as you advance in the Wave Game different types of music are not only tollerated, but also encouraged.
2) Do not play the Wave Game on the highways. First of all, the wave game needs to be played at a slow speed so you can actually see the reaction you get because, as we know, we play this game entirely for the reaction. Secondly, there is no safe way to stare someone down long enough for them to look at you, then for you to smile and wave, and still be able to keep your car on the road. I will not be responsible for your crushing death and from hear forth admonish myself from any responsibility should you not follow these rules to a T. If you wave on the highway and you die, thats on you fella.
3) Keep track of how many responses you garnered and also keep track as to what kind of repsonse each one was. Use the generalized three categories that I have provided or even create new ones if you come upon a reaction not described above.

Beginner Rules:
1) Start out by only trying to get the attention of people on the sidewalk. It is easiest for you to see them and for them to see you. The best thing to do is to first make eye contact, then wave at the wavee. It doesnt really make sense to just wave in the general direction of someone if they arent looking at you, then you are jsut wasting a wave.
2) Only use a waving motion, do not try to be fancy and do something else other than a wave, you might cause an accident at your beginner level. That being said, there are two forms of waving that are acceptable. There is the garish side to side wave which is generally a better wave to use since it is an attention getter. However, the more stlyish finger curling hello/goodbye wave ads a more personal and intamite touch to your wave. You could change up your waving style depending on the wavee!

Moderately Experienced Rules:
1) Once you have gotten the basics down, try to expand your search for wavee's to cars that are traveling in the same direction as you. Again, eye contact is the key, and must be had before the wave is made. Now, most people in other cars traveling next to you will automatically look over once you look over towards them - perhaps it is just a human reaction, who really knows. If someone is not looking at you, please do not take a long time looking at them, remember, you are still driving an automobile capable of plowing through a large number of elementary school children with one slip of the wheel! While I would find that mildly amusing, I do not condon such violence and will, again, not be held responsible.
2) Once you have perfected either of the beginner waves you are ready to move onto something more advanced. Try adding facial expresions, they are always fun. And inbetween waves dance around to the gay disco house music that you have playing per the general rules. You could even try pointing to the person first and then waving! Remember, we arent trying to get too advanced just yet, you need experience playing this game to get the full enjoyment out of it.

Advanced Rules:
1) Now that you are able to wave to both walkers and people driving in the same direction as you are, try waving to oncoming cars. Now, this can be both dificult and dangerous, so be weary. Again, eye contact is the key, but you really have to be quick about getting it because it is not often that an oncoming car is looking at the driver of another oncoming car. You must have your hand/arm ready to wave as soon as you gain the attention of this person.
2) You are now able to use both facial expresions and waves to the people, so why not add emotion. My personal favorite is shock. As long as you have complete control of your car you can use two hands in thie example (I suggest using your knee to stablize the car). Make an "OH NO" face, cover your mouth with one hand and point to a car, or another person, etc. Imagine the response that can get;)
3) Try changing the music you are listening to. Perhaps some speed metal will work for you? You can mosh out to some death metal, get someones eye contact and then give a nice gental wave. That will throw the wavee real well.
4) Remember, this game is still not to be played on the highways, unless you come across someone who is hitchhiking. And if you do, pull up nice and slow, make eye contact, roll down the window, get them to the point that they are picking up their bags (hanky tied to a stick, if you will), wave, and get the hell out of there!

Have fun with the Wave Game my friends, and remember, play safe!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Mother Fuck Spam

In this posting you will find me going off on spam email. Or perhaps I wont go off on it, maybe I will talk about all the good things one could find going through all the bullshit emails that one didnt ask for. Lets look through my email today alone! I have been offered 30 million dollars by the prince of Nigeria who needs me to put up some money so that he can then, in turn, put his money into my bank account since his account has been frozen. There must be an epidemic going around of rich princes not being able to turn their money into American currency because I have gotten the same offer from the prince of Sudan, the prince of Jordan, a few prince's from Saudi Arabia, and a prince from Russia. Does Russia even have a King? Oh, I also got this email from a guy named Bob calling himself a prince, but I tend not to believe him. Here is where I need your help, which prince should I invest in? Damned princes, making me make the tough decission, filthy rich mother fuckers.

Did you know that every other 2nd woman in the world (and every other 1.5 in Russia)is a webcam girl? That means that you can go to their shit little sites and for a mean $4.95 per minute you can watch them (hopefully) take their clothes off. For an extra $4.95 per minute you can type what you want them to do, or better yet, pay $20.00 to have a private 5 minute online chat with them. Let us not forget the men that are our there doing the same thing, since I got an email from Armando today telling me how he wanted to show me his huge member (honestly, what person uses the word "member" to describe their cock. I think the only time I used it was when I was 15, writing sexy love letters and didnt want to use the word "dick" again because I had already used it 85 times). Anyway, it was hard to turn down Armando because I really wanted to see what a huge member looked like. Equally as hard to turn away from was Leticia who almost had me click the link to her page. Man, her tits were fake, but great looking and that ass could bounce a quarter three stories high. Then I scrolled down to the final picture and saw that she had a dick. Now that didnt totally ruin it for me, because I am an open kinda guy - I like oddities, the problem was that she was looking at the camera, grabbing her, uh, woman/manhood and saying, "I cant wait to suck on your old, shriveled, grey balls." Damnit, he/she is into older folks, well fuck me, I guess I am going to have to get off to the 13 year old Elicia who likes to fuck herself in the ass with a teaspoon (Im guessing she will graduate to a tablespoon when she turns 14)(and for legal ramifications, there were no pictures to the 13 year old Elicia, just a link to her page;)). Either way, Elicia wants it, she is a horny mother fucker.

But what if I was having a problem getting my junk to function properly? Ah, good thing I have email, because I average about 15 emails a day trying to sell me viagra or any of its derivatives. Also, I have been offered numerous penis pumps, penis enlargers, penis lotions and the occational cock ring. I dont know if they are trying to tell me I have a problem or if I should quit my job and start working in porn. What sets me back though, is the daily offer for breast enlargers. Personally, I think mine are large enough, but apparently Bridgett from "The Pump" thinks mine can be "larger and more sexy so I can get the man of my dreams." Well, I have seen Jeniffer Aniston and I can proudly say that my tits are bigger than hers and Brad Pitt isnt knocking down my door. Good thing for Bridgett that I didnt get the pump to make my breasts larger otherwise I would sue those false advertising mother fuckers.

Moving along... I find it funny that lawyers who used to chase ambulences are now just spamming the shit out of everyone. "Break a leg on the job? poke yourself in the eye with someone else's pencil? Get fired for not showing up? Slip your cock in a co-worker, and get accused of rape? We get results for you! Worried about jail time, well just forget about it, by the time we are done your former company is going to owe you money, so much so that you can get that cock of yours gold platted. Bling, bling." Im about as likely to respond to one of those lawyers as I am to try to get a mortgage from some of those spamming mother fuckers.

The last bit of spam that I will comment on are the ones that promise you that you are guaranteed to win whatever shit prize they are trying to give away. "Act now and you can win this beautiful 12 pound turkey, trimmings not included." "Reply as soon as you read this and you could win this 8 inch black and white tv that isnt even cable ready." "Hurry, while supplies last you might be able to fuck a midget." Ok, you caught me, I made that last one up. Have you noticed that they never say "YOU HAVE WON," at least not in the text of the email. Sure, in the email title you are the big winner, but once you open that fucker up it is filled with "cans," and "coulds" and "maybe's," sometimes even "perhaps." I say fuck them! Who responds to these emails actually thinking that they may win? Imagine you, living in the south, getting on a computer for the first time, setting up a hotmail acount and receiving your first bit o' spam: "Hot Dang honey, we hit it big. It says here that we may have won this 80 inch big screen TV. All ! have to do is give this Arabian Prince some money, fuck three people - some Russian whore, this Armando guy with a huge member, and 13 year old Elicia who likes spoons, then I have to buy some viagra, get a penis pump and qualify for a mortgage. Good thing I got this email from this lawyer because I am gonna need help straightening all this stuff out. Dang, we some lucky mother fuckers."