Senseful ramblings of an incoherent nature from a delusional schizophrenic (or my views on current events)

Monday, February 28, 2005


There are many words that, over the years, have become "hot" words in marketing that are used to sell products. Recently, one such word has popped up all over the place and this one word annoys me more than any other 10 annoying words put together! I know you must think I am crazy for having a word that sends shivers of pain up my spine, but I argue that if you listen to the word itself it will irritate you too!

I dont know the history of the product, but I do know that it is some kind of sauce used in mexican dishes. I must admit my ignorance of the sauce since I have not tried it, but if it tastes anything like how it sounds I can tell you that this guy wont be having any!

As you can see, my hatred for the word is strictly audible. I hate everything about the way it sounds. And I hate it even more that every fast food restaurant uses the sauce to make it seem that they are classier than they are! Wendy's uses it on chicken, Burger King on a salad, McDonalds on a special sandwich. What ever happened to a burger joint selling burgers? But that is another topic for another day, back to Chipotle.

Doesnt it sound like the word just ended abruptly? I know it comes from another language, but shouldnt there be more too it? Chipotle. Yecccch, it bothers me like I just took a massive dump and after I finished I just then realized that there is no toilet paper left.

Every time I hear the word spoken I want to grab the speaker by the lips and just pull until said lips have been ripped from the speakers face. Then I would say, "Say chipotle again mother fucker" in my best Samuel Jackson impersonation. But since I dont do a Samuel Jackson impersonation it would just look silly and thus increase my hatred for the word chipotle.

The word makes me want to go into a Wendy's, order a sandwich and as for some chipotle on the side. I would then take the container, walk up to the manager’s face and throw it on him like his name was Soupy Sales, while exclaiming, "how's that for chipotle."

I hope my lame attempts at humor dont mask my true intention of this post: for everyone in the known world to realize the infuriation that one word can cause to a usually mild-mannered, even-tempered, intellectually-stimulating fella. I hope to have this word removed from the English vernacular shortly and expect you all to agree with my spite!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Let me lalalay it out for you

She won. It is that plain and simple. Nothing I say or do can detract from the fact that in this case I am the loser, no matter how bitter I get. Her voice, while crackling and off key, has been heard, and apparently liked by the mass public. Yes, Ashlee Simpson has sold millions of records, while all I have this silly little blog that no one reads. But in my eyes it isnt as cut and dry as it all seems.

The fact that Ashlee Simpson is a star and known the world around is proof that the little man has not only come back from the dead, but he has now realized his power – sheer numbers.

It is widely agreed that Ashlee Simpson has zero talent (Rolling Stone - two stars, SNL SNAFU, Orange Bowl debacle, etc), however she has a platinum selling album and won the female new artist of the year award from Billboard (which thankfully is chosen by record sales and not by anyone who knows anything about music). This no talent plus high record sales equation can only mean one thing, the little man is finally being heard!

But what exactly is the little man? Well, he is mostly un-educated and has very little skills. He puts out at an early age and reproduces like a rabbit. He has been held down for generations, until now.

But the problem with the little man is that he is driven by envy. He is envious of the big man, and the big man knows this. The big man will do and say things just to make the little man more envious. The little man will then try to replicate what the big man is doing by purchasing what the big man says. Ashlee Simpson is a product of the big man.

But the good thing about the big man is that he tires quickly of his own products and discards of them, thus leaving the talentless product on a dirty street corner hoping that Playboy will come along to offer one last "hurrah."

Lala that, Bitches!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Steroids, How I Wish

I wish I had steroids so that my head could be as enlarged as Barry Bonds'! Sure my head is already big enough as it is in its non-steroid using size, but should I be on steroids and my head was enlarged, it could only mean one thing: I am a professional athlete making millions of dollars.

That's not to say that I would trade in my health and wellbeing for a chance to make millions of dollars, because I would! In a heartbeat no less (but kids, dont play with steroids or any drugs, drugs are bad)! Of course I would get off of them as soon as I made my millions. After my retirement I would admit to my steroid abuse and go on tour promoting healthy living without drugs. Of course I would get paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for each speaking engagement and naturally that money would feed my growing cocaine habit. Trading steroids for coke was easy! I am going to have to make sure that I dont have any Boy George moments and present myself in front of a camera with a dusty face. Although I would like to have a pile in front of me like the one Tony Montana had in Scarface and a double snorter would also be snazzy, but kids, drugs are bad.

Sooner or later the media would break into my house and find my hidden room with my hidden pile of coke. They would display my hidden, snazzy, double snorter and try to make me out to be the bad guy. But I will always carry with me an out, and this time I will confront my demons on Dr. Phil and let that fat cow yell at me for an hour on TV about how I am letting myself, my family, and my millions of fans down. I will take the abuse and then go into rehab, the Hawaiian rehab where all the stars go to get out of the spotlight, I mean get off the drugs.

Three months later I will come out with a clean bill of health and a healthy new addiction, huffing! Yes, me and my piles of money has resorted to huffing glue and sharpie's. While at rehab I couldnt snort, but for whatever reason my drawers were full of glue and sharpie's. I guess the rehab place thought I was artistic and they wanted to draw that out of me, how nice of them!

But now that I am out the glue and sharpie's just arent enough, so I will go into every kitchen appliance store I can find and purchase every last nitrous canisters they have and fill my huge house with balloons of happiness. As I waste away in my old age I will get enjoyment from knowing how Nintendo becomes inspired to create their music and watch as the athletes of the future figure out new ways to pass drug tests.

Then I will think to myself how funny it would be to watch Barry Bonds' head to pop off from his shoulders and zoom around the room as it quickly deflates.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Too much Jesus going around for my taste

Has anyone else noticed that all of these wrist bands that people are sporting to show support for whatever cause they paid $3-$5 dollars to support look an awful lot like the WWJD bands that christians have been wearing for ages to remind themselves of What Would Jesus Do? Well if you havent, look again! (as an aside, I have learned that the LiveStrong bracelets, the yellow ones sold by Lance Armstrong, are causing some confussion in hospital ERs around the country as the yellow in the bracelets is the same color yellow as hospitals use to let all the doctors and nurses know that a patient is a DNR. Similarly, the purple bracelets, sold by the American Cancer Society to "Celebrate Hope," is the same color that hospitals use to show that a person has a risk of falling. Red bracelets, used to show that a patient has an allergy, is being sold as an AIDS support bracelet). And honestly, arent we getting a little out of hand with all of these bracelets. Seriously, check out this list and see how many different meanings each color can have! Personally, I would go with light blue, but people would probably think that I was supporting the causes of ovarian cancer, gerd or trisomy 18, while I am really in support of Irritable Bowl Syndrome.

It has become so bad that pretty soon we can start playing Snap with the support bracelets. I am going to go up to some hotty and snap off a blue bracelet in the hopes of receiving some oral pleasure, but instead I come to find out that this hotty's bracelets are not for the snap game. No, this woman is some hippy freak hotty who supports just about every cause and while she wont blow me, she will give me some Interstitial Cystitis. What fun is that?

Back to the Jesus talk (nothing like talking about Jesus after talking about Interstitial Cystitis). Ok, now think about those magnetized support ribbons that every other person has on their car. Think of the shape that this fake ribbon forms. Got that shape in your head? Now turn that shape on its side. Correct me if I am wrong, but doesnt it look like a jesus fish? Now if they could only make it look like a Darwin fish;)

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Interesting Interview

To celebrate my 5 year anniversary at the fine company I work for I have decided to entertain you by describing a job interview we had nearly 4 and a half years ago. I believe this was the first interview that we held were I wasnt being the one interviewed so naturally it left an impression on me. Or perhaps the impression was left by the man we interviewed.

So as the interview time approached I headed over to the small, oval-shaped meeting table located in the middle of our office. I patiently waited for our mystery guest to enter the glass door that is the entrance to our office, however, the interview time came and went without a brisk breeze being let into our office.

Five minutes pass and I head over to the wall window and peer outside just as a blonde flash runs into the building and into our office. I walk over to this man and before I - or anyone else for that matter - can get a word out he states that he needs to find the bathroom because he “just finished a diet Pepsi and that stuff just runs right through me.” After the passing of our initial shock in regards to his bluntness my co-workers and I headed back to the meeting table and waited for his return.

A few minutes later he came back into the office and literally shook his overcoat off, revealing a tiny man in a navy blue sports coat, a light blue and white (and wrinkled) striped dress shirt, an awful red and white tie, and khaki pants (also wrinkled). He looked like the perfect arian republican, in sloppy clothes. Or perhaps a captain without his captain’s hat. He put his coat down and stepped over to the meeting table, offering a handshake to each of us. I quickly declined with the memory of his recent bathroom trip still floating around in my head. I wanted to give him a pat on the shoulder, but I refrained.

The interview progresses as our interviews usually do: we told him about our company and what we do (which, apparently, was something he already knew in great detail) and then we started asking him questions. Now I dont remember the questions that we asked him, but I do remember how adamant he was in his responses. He expressed a great need for the transportation industry, as a whole, to go through an overhaul. He used many hand gestures, which was quite comical because he had a bent finger that kept pointing in the wrong direction.

We asked about his childhood and he mentioned that instead of playing with normal toys like GI Joe or Transformers, he always pretended that he was a police officer or a planner and would set up routes and roads for his friends to traverse. He would use chalk to stripe his driveway into his dream roadway and then he would have his friends come over and he would direct them as they road around on their big wheels.

He also mentioned that he collected all sorts of transportation memorabilia, and that the prize of his collection was a traffic signal. Not a signal like on the wall of Mr. Rogers’ house, mind you, no, an actual traffic signal made by the same company that makes all the signals in Pennsylvania. As far as he knew, he was the only private citizen to own such an exquisite item.

To demonstrate just how dedicated he was to transportation he mentioned that he had a website (and I truly wish I could give you the link to this website, but alas, the last thing I need is legal troubles caused by slander) and that he started a web ring for all transportation sites.

When we asked him if he had any questions for us, his first – and only – question was how he could gain access to PennDOT’s archives. Because that is really what PennDOT needs, a psychopath going through their past and doing an antiquated critique. Needless to say we did not tell him how to gain access to that information. That was the right move to do; I mean he could have been looking for schematics to help him piece together his plan to rid Pennsylvania of all minorities.

As quickly as the interview started, it ended. He shook hands with everyone again, and again I declined, but not because of his recent bathroom visit, this time I was scared of the dangling finger. We quickly decided that we would not hire him, mainly because we felt that he would use the job as a personal platform to get the transportation that he needed.

We then went to visit his website and noticed that a good portion of the site was dedicated to transportation disasters and the band Journey. Interesting combination.

The moral of this story is dont hire people with dangly fingers because they might turn out to be traffic loving crazy people who troll the internet looking for transportation disasters and bad 80s rock.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Super yikes!

This kind of falls under the category of "not enough publicity in the media." SUPER-HIV(pronounced hiv, not the spelled out H.I.V.)

It seems that there is a new strain of HIV going around that turns into full-blown-AIDS after 2 or 3 months, and according to the news it is targeting the gay male community. I wonder how many bible thumpers are rejoicing while exclaiming that it is gods way at dealing with his mistakes (how awful, but you know that is what every southern, religious-right, brainwashed, redneck is thinking). I see a new slew of "use pretection" commercials all over the tv just like in the mid 80s to early 90s. I guess we havent really realized how much Liza "Left-Eye" Lopez sudden death actually effected us, but soon we will learn. We will learn all too quickly. I wonder how many pro-condom folks will staple safe sex info to a wrapped condom? Will the government approach the idea of teaching masturbation in health class as a healthy and safe option to sex? Ah well, I guess I wont be opening that "No Condoms Allowed" group sex club that I was going to call "Bukkake! Bar," complete with semen flavored martini's, and the laid back "Glory Hole Lounge." Unprotected sex wouldnt know what hit it in its eye, but trust me, pink eye would be its least concern.

In all seriousness, and all joking aside, after all the work that has been done towards a cure for AIDS, along with all of the work done towards AIDS prevention, this new strand of AIDS could demoralize the entire community and kill far too many people. Remember, before you put it in, put one on. And help control the pet poulation by having your pets spaded or neutered.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

What in the HELL is wrong with people?

Crazy Fucking People

I really thought that real life had fallen behind the movies in terms of how fucked up things can get... This woman got fired as a nanny because her employee thought that she wasnt actually pregnant, as she claimed to be; she also carried around an ultrasound picture of twins that she claimed were from a previous pregnancy where the twins died at birth. Then, two months later she lures a pregnant lady, one who was about to give birth, over to her house by saying that a package was wrongly delivered. When the lady walks into the house they go up to see the non-pregnant lady's nursery. As they enter the room the non-pregnant lady attacks the pregnant lady with a knife. It seems that she intended to kill the pregnant lady and take her fetus. The pregnant lady fights back with an ash tray, knocks the knife loose and stabs her three times, then runs out of the house. The non-pregnant stabbing victim then takes off her pregnant suit, calls the police, and bleeds out while on the phone... The ultrasound that she carried wasnt even her's, she stole that from the hospital that she used to work at. Hollywood couldnt write it any better!

How fucked up in the skull do you have to be to want to steal the fetus from another woman? What kind of crazy shit do you have to live through to determine that this is a good idea? I mean, at the very least do some homework. Get a job at a clinic that teaches lamaise (hey, Im a guy, I dont want to have anything to do with that word let alone know how to spell it) and work there until you find the perfect victim. You must befriend a single pregnant lady who doesnt have many friends. For the nine months leading up to birth you talk this lady into having the child at her house with you as the mid-wfie. Hell, you'll even do it for free because you are such good pals, and you want her to save money to help raise the child. When she goes into labor she will obviously call you to come over. You deliver the child, but the ambilical cord followed by a simple slicing of the jugular. Look who's a new mommy now!

I know, horrible, but so is this topic. It isnt like I am out there running around being a mommy killer. And it's also not like this is the first time this has happened to a mother to be. People are sick in the head, for real. Just to show you how crazy this lady is, I put more thought into my plan in the few minutes it took for me to type it out than this crazy did in the probable months, and possibly years, she was stewing about wantint to take a fetus... She probably cinvinced herself months ago that her idea was excellent! How crazy!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Shower Time

Alright folks, it is time for me to teach you the correct way to take a shower (at least if you are a man, or want to be a man). I am sure that you have all showered before - or rather I am hopeful that you have all showered before - but have you showered correctly and effeciently? I doubt it, and that is why I am here to help.

1. The first step is one of the most important steps because without it you wont be able to get nearly as clean as you would without it. Turn on the water. Now I cant tell you how hot or cold to make the water as that is a matter of personal preference, but I can tell you that cold water is better for your skin and hot water is much more relaxing. Perhaps a happy medium is best for all. Also, if you are in a bath tub/shower, now is the perfect time to put the bath tub mat down. Since the bath tub is wet, the suctions on the bottom of your mat will stick and you wont slide down and break something.

2. Wet yourself thoroughly. I usually start with my legs and work my way up, finishing off with my hair. I have found that the best way to wet your hair is to stand facing away from the spicket and lean back. Run your fingers from your forehead backwards, making sure your hair is soaked.

3. Shampoo your head. Yes, your head, not just your hair. Get enough shampoo in your hand for your head and plop it on. Lather your hair completely, but wait, you arent done just yet. Make your hands as if you are pretending to be a scary bear and rub your fingers against your scalp (this is especially important if you have a dry scalp), thus scrubbing your scalp too. If you choose not to condition your hair, move onto the next step, if you are one who likes to condition keep reading. Get a little bit of conditioner in one hand and rub your hands together. Then gently guide your hands over yout entire head, spreading around the conditioner all over. Finally, work the conditioner into your hair until your hair feels silky smooth and all nots are removed

4. Shave. Yes, I prefer to shave in the shower, ALL my shaving. I start with my right sideburn and shave down my face towards my throat. I then shave the left side followed by my upper lip, lower lip, and finally my chin (unless I am growing a goatee, word. And yes, at 27 I still cant grow a full face of hair, but I am getting there, hopefully by the time I am 30...). If you dont shave anywhere else, more onto the next step. Now I dont really have that much body hair, in fact I have none except in my pubic region. If you are going to shave your balls, I suggest that before you take a shower sit around nude in a cold room for a little bit so that your ball sack contracts, making it a lot easier to shave. First, shave the area above your junk going with the grain if you dont shave this area often, and agaisnt the grain if you do (razor burn down there can really itch). Then shave your contracted ball sack and finally the gouche.

5. Soap time. Make sure that before you soap up that you clean the soap off, the last thing you want is bacteria that has been sitting on your soap since the shower was last used, especially if you share a shower AND soap. I start with the soap in my left hand and soap up my right arm. I then pass the soap to my right hand and do my left arm and my chest and back. I then do both legs, leaving my private areas for last, and there is a reason for that. Those areas are the darkest and most likely the dirtiest regions of your body. I clean my groin first and thorougly, and then wash the soap off so that my soap is clean. If you are shaved this is a little easier than if you carry around a bushy nutsack. Then clean off your ass followed by cleaning your asshole, then wash the soap again and return it to the soap holder. Rince off (I do my privates first as it is uncomfortable to have a soapy ass crack).

6. Rince your hair. It doesnt matter if you have shampoo or conditioner in at this step, face away from the shower head and rince your hair thoroughly (although if you have shampoo still in, use your fingers again to clean off your scalp).

Now you are just about done, but I would like to give you a little treat. After you wash your hair out, turn up the heat a little bit, until it is nearly too hot, but not quite hot enough to burn you. Face away from the shower head and lean back so that the stream of water is hitting the top of your forehead. Slowly move your head forward so that the water trickles down your head and your back. If you do this correctly you should sent tingles down your entire body, which feels real nie.

7. Get out. Get out of the shower and pick up the bath tub mat (if you leave it in it will become dirty and disgusting. Think about what grows best in dark, wet places).

8. Dry off. Use a towel starting at the top of your head and work your way down your entire body. I shouldnt need to tell you the most effecient way to do this, I am sure you have your own system. Although, in the summer time, or whenever it is hot, it is sometimes fun to dry off naturally

9. Enjoy your clean self with a leasurely roll in the mud!

I hope you enjoyed the correct way to clean yourself, I know I have. Oh, and just so you know, I am naked now;)

Friday, February 11, 2005

Laidback and Lazy

For whatever reason I have been listening to, and greatly enjoying, this kind of folksy music lately, and I am not quite sure why. The Shins' "New Slang" makes me slowly bob my head from side to side almost as if my head is going in and out like an ocean wave. Similarly, Magnet's "Lay Lady Lay" (of Bob Dylan fame) is just mesmerizing. And then we have Gary Jules’ cover of the Tears for Fears song “Mad World.” All three of these songs put me into my happy place full of little happy little trees courtesy of Bob Ross (pictures, by the way, my hair is at least twice the size of that fro). But at the same time, all three songs are hauntingly eerie and somewhat dark, which is what I love about them!

I think that the music industry needs to start putting out more tunes like these three. They are by far more musically intelligent than 99% of the crap that is out there today. There is so much bullshit being pushed on us that music like this, music that actually matters, is taking a back seat, and that is a shame. But what can we do about this problem? Unfortunately, not much at all.

It is quite apparent that the music industry is driven by youth and all of its ignorance. Record conglomerates (they aren’t even companies anymore….) push out tons of bubble gum crap because they know that our young’ens will buy what looks cool, rather than what sounds good. It is almost as if music is changing senses, going from audio to ocular. We are becoming a society dependent on visual stimulation, even when it comes to audio pleasantries. The album cover and the videos from an album are just as important, if not more so, than the actual music on the album. Lala

I do understand that as we all age our musical taste evolves and becomes a part of whom we each are, however, it is becoming increasingly hard to find decent music because of the over-saturation of the Brittany Spears’ and Ashlee Simpson’s of the world. Trying to find any of the types of music I that enjoy at a Best Buy or a Sam Goody is like trying to locate Waldo in one of his books, you are told he is there, but there is just so much other shit going on that he is hard to find.

Hmm, I guess I am not as laidback and lazy as I thought right now. Perhaps it is time for more Lay Lady Lay so I can go back into my fantasy world where I am laying in the middle of a great big, grassy field on a breezy day where a big breasted woman is allowing me to rest my head in her lap while she rests her tatas on my forehead.

Have an enjoyable weekend and Lala to you all.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Super Ads

"The irony is that a parody of censorship was itself censored"

That is a quote from Warren Adelman, the chief operating officer of, the company who ran an ad with an extremely busty woman who was testifying before congress when she had a "wardrobe malfunction." Apparently the NFL asked FOX not to rerun the ad after its initial airing (for more info, go here:

(BTW, if you want to see the woman from the godaddy ad naked, go here:

If this isnt proof of how sheltered this country has become, I dont know what is? It is a sad fact that "morals" are now becoming an excuse for censorship. What has happened to our collective sense of humor? We, as a country, are taking ourselves way too seriously, and it is my opinion that our inability to laugh at ourselves is going to ultimately lead to our downfall. Of course our government wont fall because of its remoralization, but we are starting to look and feel like the class know-it-all/tattle-tail, and we all know what happens to that kid after school.

Besides the fact that we live in today's non-fun attitude, did anyone else think that this year’s crop of ads just really stunk? And not a stink from a week old dog turd, these smelled like fresh elephant dung mixed with some recently shat hippo shit. There were a couple that were entertaining, but they were few and far between. I thought the careerbuilder commercials featuring the chimps were amusing, but the idea to use primates isnt a new one...

My favorite commercials were the Lincoln Fry ads. Those ads werent only funny, but they pretty much bitch slapped religion right in the face. It was obvious to me that these commercials were making fun of the grilled cheese sandwich that sold on ebay for quite a lot of money (tens of thousands) because it had the face of the virgin mary grilled into it. Apparently though, many of the online pundits who make money by critiquing such things as Super Bowl ads believed that these ads were a response to the subservient chicken ads run by Burger King last year because the commercials directs you to visit Are they really missing all of the blatant bitch slapping geared at the masses that blindly follow religion based solely on faith? I hope they continue to miss it; I am surely more amused because of their stupidity.

Besides the fact that our more strict government has taken some of the fun out of commercials, among other things, it is apparent to me that advertising agencies themselves have gotten complacent in their requirement to produce good ads. Some of the crap that companies spent way too much money on turned into complete crap! Budweiser, usually the king of the super bowl (think bud bowl, talking frogs, waaaaaaaaaazzzzzzaaaaaahhhhhhhh, etc), put out one overly sappy ad thanking our troops (dont get me wrong, I fully support our soldiers who are risking their lives, I just dread companies that are trying to garner sympathy while at the same time attempting to sell more product. Do they honestly think that by running an ad that thanks our troops that people are going to think, "Bud supports our troops, I must drink Bud." We really arent that mindless, are we?), and a few others that were of no consequence at all.

I think I need to become an ad exec. Here's my pitch for a new Bud commercial:

This commercial starts from a first person perspective. A man (us, the viewer) walks into a half empty dreary looking bar full of other losers and low lifes. He looks into a mirror and we see that he is in his early 30s, is about 5 foot 5, has a huge beer belly, and is balding on the top of his head. The hair on the right side of his head is much longer than the hair on the left side and standing straight up in the air. He pushes the comb-over back into place and continues walking into the bar. After a few steps he looks around the bar and notices that everyone not at the bar itself is having a grand time. Some are playing pool while others are dancing poorly to 80s hair band music, but it is important to note that everyone not at the bar is having a great time. He saddles up next to the bar and asks for an MGD, but alas, that is all tapped out so he settles for the only beer left on tap, Bud. A man next to him asks how he is doing, and he responds by saying, "eh" and slouches back into his bud. The man looks at the clock and the clock fast forwards a few hours. The man then turns back towards the bar and we see that he has now finished his 6th Bud. All of the sudden Def Leopards' "Hysteria" starts to jam over the jukebox and the man jumps up onto the bar. He rubs his eyes and the dark, dreary bar changes colors and comes to life. He dances along the bar, jumps off and shimmies over to the pool table. He grabs a pool cue and drops three balls with one shot. He tosses the cue to a cheering onlooker and macarena's across the dance floor over to an extremely hot woman standing near the cigarette machine. The camera then leaves first man and we are now in the head of a man still sitting at the bar looking at the bartender. The bartender says, "Budweiser really knows how to start a party." We turn around and see our hero kissing and feeling up the Native-American Statue next to the cigarette machine before he stumbles, falls to the ground and passes out.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Animal Instincts?

Have you ever wanted to walk up to a tree, either on your property or near it, pull off your pants, lift your leg (or squat if you are a woman), and mark your territory?

Have you ever walked past that tree, on or near your property, and caught a whiff of someone else's urine, thus driving you to re-mark that tree?

If you’re a woman, and you walk past a tree, on or near someone else's property, and squatted to attract a male?

If you’re a dude, have you caught wind of the pheromones left behind by some charlatan? Did you then go running around your neighborhood following the cent?

If you’re a woman and you realize that some guy is on your trail, have you coyly teased this oncoming suitor?

If your a man, following a scent, have you fought off other men to get your woman, only to have the woman run away, teasing you even more? Have you then taken our your frustrations by going down to the water hole and found an older, more willing suitor?

Have you killed for food? Or have you even scavenged?

Do you travel in a pack, or are you a loner?

Have you been outcast by your peers?

Have you been loved by your mother?

Did your mother go missing?

Do you know who your father is?

Have you built your own home? Or perhaps took another's home?

Can you lick yourself clean?

Do others fear you?

Do you live in fear?

Have you lived near your home for your entire life?

Have you traveled long distances only to come home when it matters?

Did you leave home never to come home again?

Do you think and reason, or do you just do?

What are you really?

Friday, February 04, 2005

The Silly Things We Say

I often find myself consciously willing to say things just to see the reaction on peoples faces when I say them. However, there have been times that I say mean things because I dont think (me?).

For example, when I was in high school, injured and unable to play football, I would go to the games and play in the band, but I wouldnt play in the half-time "show" (if you could call what our band did a show... They marched out as a box to the 50 yard line, stopped, played three songs, and marched off) because the only time I wanted to be on a football field was if I was playing. Anyway, my sister was in the band, as well as one of my best friends. My parents, being the supportive folks that they were, and still are, came to all the games to watch my sister play in the band (they also never missed a football game that I played in, in high school, and then also in college). When the half-time "show" was about to begin I went off to sit next to my parents and view all the spectacularness from there. As the band walked out onto the field my mom stands up and points towards my sister exclaiming, "there she is." She then turns to me and asks where my friend is and I respond by pointing and saying, "there he is, the short, fat, mushroom looking guy." Then, what do I hear in my left ear? "Hi Josh, how are you doing?" Recognizing the voice I slowly turn around and low and behold, who is sitting almost directly behind me? My good friend's father, who asked how I was doing, his mother, and his sister. Feeling ashamed, foolish, and downright low, I say "good," turn around, and dont look back. What an ass I was that day. Oh, and if my friend reads this, as I am sure he might, you did look like a mushroom that day. That being said, you dont look like one any longer! Good for you for loosing that weight! I am proud.

Another time, again during my high school days, I was walking around a local strip mall with my mom and we ran into one of our neighbors who has twin daughters who are my age. We got to talking to this lady, who was a teacher at a local private, all girls school, about how one of her daughters was in school with me while the other was at the private school (apparently if you are a teacher, you get free tuition for one child). We learned that the one from my school was going to college, while the other decided to not go. After the conversation I turned to my mom and said, "I always thought that [name removed] was the smarter one" ([name removed] being the one that was in the private school and not going to college). Naturally, right after I get the words out of my mouth the neighbor comes walking by, I guess she forgot something at the hair salon. Whoops, there's my dirty shoe in my mouth again.

But by far, the meanest thing I have ever said, or at least the meanest thing that I remember, was a couple years ago while a co-worker (and one of my closest friends) and I were working on a Saturday morning at a community fair. We had set up our tent the previous day and expected that no one would take it because who would take another persons tent? Well, we arrive early that saturday only to find that the local senior center had not only occupied our tent, but had already laid out all of there stuff and were just sitting around, lounging if you will. Being the young stallion that I was, I was noticably shaken and marched right over to out tent and asked what was going on. Me and a few of the older people began to squabble as my co-worker quietly laughed her head off on the periphery. The old folks began to complain about their aching bones and talked about all their operations. Being the dick-head that I am I proudly ask, "what, do you want me to feel bad for you because you are old?? Oh boy did that shut them up! I think a few dentures dropped to the ground and it smelled like one old bat dropped a load in her pants. You know, come to think of it, I am not ashamed at all for this one, in fact, it still makes me giggle to this day, and if I ask my friend about it she still nearly falls to the ground (in fact, she did have a seizure about 5 minutes after that, hmm, I wonder if I am to blame?).

I guess what I am saying is that you should look before you leap. If you are going to say something dumb, or mean, make sure whoever you are talking about, or any of their relatives, arent around before you open your big dumb mouth. But at the same time, never pass up an opportunity to disrespect an old person.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Uh Oh, Politics.....

Our ever loquasious leader, the POTUS George Walker Bush, gave the State of the Union speech - or as I like to call it, prime-time tv killer - last night to much Republican fan-fare. The Democrats, on the other hand, seemed to only applaud when GWB tripped over his own words and when he mentioned that social security would run out of funding by 2018, but I will get into that in a little bit.

First and foremost, if you would like to read what Mr. Bush said, follow this link and delight in his words:

My first thought is about his speech as a whole. I know that if I were president I would start my speech by saying, "Hold all your applause until the end." All the clapping and bullshit political posturing really takes away from the message at hand. It breaks up the speech into mini-parts and really effects the flow when trying ot listen from an objective stand point. As much as I dont like GWB, I have always been a sbacker of the idea that one must support our president while he is in office regardless of his political ideals because all the complaining in the world wont get him removed. I am not saying that you have to agree with everything he believes, because it will become obvious that I dont agree with him on many fronts. I am saying that he is our leader and we have to work with that fact to become stronger. My point is that the applause from one side of the room and the crickets churping from the other side shows our country, on a world stage, in a divided light, rather than a united front.

A general problem I had with GWB's speech is that he outlined many problems he had with the country, but he really didnt come up with any plans to get things rolling with any solutions. Again, if I were president, ("Id make sure all the money was spent on good things...."(pharcyde reference, sorry)) I would spend the first half hour of my state of the union speech talking about all the bad things that are happening in our country and around the world. Then I would focus on my plans for correcting those problems.

GWB mentioned that our economy is improving "with more American's going back to work." He then talked about how as a nation we created 2.3 million new jobs. If that is the case, why does it seem that there are more out of work people now than there ever have been? When I initially got my job, two weeks shy of 5 years ago, I was picked out of an applicant pool of maybe 10 people, at the most. Today we hired a new guy that we picked out of a pool of close to 80 people! And to be completely honest with you, there is nothing earth shattering about my job that 80 people should be applying for it. If there are all these new jobs, why are their so many people clammering for a mediocre job at best?

One good benefit that my current employer offers, however, is an excellent 401K program, and after hearing what GWB said last night about the state of Social Security I suppose I am should become more thankful. It seems, at least according to the White House, that by 2018 all of us current social security investors are going to become shit out of luck. Whoops, no more money for us! And instead of coming up with an idea on how to fix the problem, GWB instead put the onus on the congress to fix the problem by re-organizing the present structure. He stressed, with equal importance, the necessity for each private citizen to start planning for their own retirement without the governments help. For me, that is all fine and good, except that I have a problem with paying for my own retirement as well as continuing to fund todays elderly with their retirement! Yes, social security is out dated, but we have become complacent with the idea that as we get older we will have the security blanket that is the government. Unfortunately, by the time I age enough to climb under that blanket and attempt to warm myself up the only thing that is going to be left is blanket shards and threads!

Do I have a plan to overcome this situation? Of course not, but then again, I am not the president and that isnt expected of me. I do recognize that something needs to be done, and perhaps a good starting point is realizing that whoever has contributed to social security is expecting to get something out of it, obviously no one wants to give away money for nothing, we already have enough taxes for that. Bush talked about a thrifty savings plan that all Federal employees can invest in, why not start a nationalized fund where part of the money you put into social security goes into a selection of investments while the rest of the money continues to be used to support our elderly?

He briefly brought up the topic of morals and how we must educate our youth about responsibility. And in doing so, again he supported a constitutional ammendment to protect the institute of marriage. What a joke and a waste of breath. I cant believe that he is still barking up this tree. He says that we are a free society, yet in the same paragraph he is trying to take away some of our freedoms by limiting who we can marry. If we were truly a free society, each individual person would have the freedom to decide how they want to live their lives. It shouldnt be the governments responsibility to decide who I can be with. Did our founding fathers have this in mind when they created the Constitution?

Good Ole' GWB really got on a roll when he started to discuss our foreign relations with the Middle East. He stated:

" The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else. That is one of the main differences between us and our enemies. They seek to impose and expand an empire of oppression, in which a tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life. Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens, and reflect their own cultures. And because democracies respect their own people and their neighbors, the advance of freedom will lead to peace"

Does anyone else see the glaring contradictions in this paragraph? He starts off by saying that we dont have the right to push our values on other sovereignties, claiming that evil-doers use those tactics. Then, a short gasp later he is talking about how we need to push democraxy on others because that will advance freedom! Basically, it seems that it is either our way or the highway, and regardless of your nations history, eventually all paths lead towards democracy and we, as the best democratic nation in the world, are going to lead you down this path.

I also found it kind of ironic that he brought up a "tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life. Refresh my memory, but how did Bush win his first election? And isnt he the one pushing his faith based initiatives on the country as a whole? Seems he is being a little too hypocritical for my tastes.

Also, was it me, or did it seem that he pretty much declared war on Syria and Iran? "We are witnessing landmark events in the history of liberty, and in the coming years we will add to that story." He then goes on to mention the problems in Syria and Iran in the coming minutes, which only leads to one conclussion, they are numbers 3 and 4 on the list, with no specific order mentioned. Doesnt this statement also conflict with his earlier announcement that we dont desire to push our will onto others?

All in all, his speech was rather short, and it really didnt leave me with much of an opinion as to what he plans on doing. He seemed to skirt a lot of issues and pump for lots of applause to use a filler.

Did anyone notice that the Iraqi woman, Safia Talem Al-Suhail, who recently voted for the first time, looks like an Iraqi Monica Lewinski? They should have put a blue dress on her with a promonant stain on it and have her chomping on a cigar to complete the look. Any chance that she was picked on purpose solely because of the way she looked?

Finally, the best part of the speech came when he was talking about how we need to change our immagration policy. Here is the sequence that nearly had me falling out of my chair and onto the ground:

GWB states,"It is time for an immigration policy that permits temporary guest workers to fill jobs Americans will not take, that rejects amnesty, that tells us who is entering and leaving our country, and that closes the border to drug dealers and terrorists." The camera then shows the entire audience, with the Republicans giving a standing ovation, naturally. Then the camera cuts back to GWB who turns to his right and *wink*.

Thats right, after making a comment about closing our doors to drug dealers he turns to the side and winks, almost like saying that he is going to get all the good coke for himself.

And with that I end this topic. I hope you got something out of it, if not, piss off.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

You Make Me Want To Lala

Alright, Ill admit it, I watch that Ashlee Simpson show on MTV religiously. Yep, every new episode that airs I dont miss. Sure I dont fit the target demographic, but I dont watch it to be told what is cool and I certainly dont watch it to be influenced into buying her crappy record. No, I watch it because it makes me more angry than anything else in this cruel, cruel world.

Any of you who know me, know that I am easy going and funny (dont mean to pat myself on the back, but why should I lie about something like that, the truth is that I AM damned funny!), however, when I watch this senseless bitch, every wednesday evening at 10:30PM, I become spiteful and full of rage. I am ensensed that someone as talentless as her not only has a record deal, but has a record deal at Geffen Records, which in my opinion USED to be one of the top labels around, a label that wouldnt sign someone unless they had talent, and not a marketable talent mind you, actual through and through talent. It is a shame that todays world would take a reputable company such as Geffen and turn it into just another money hungry venture on the same level as an elementary school lunchtime bully who comes around every day to steal your milk money. Iscream foul!

And to make matters worse her album went platinum! PLATINUM! That means that she sold more than 1 million records! I remember a time, not to long ago mind you, when that was a distinguished honor bestowed on only the best of the best albums out there. Today, however, it is painfully obvious that our youth will buy any crap that is pushed on them simply because it is the "thing" to do. Can any of you honestly believe that her talent sold all those records? Hardly.

Lets take our way back machine to the early to mid 1980s, when cartoons like the Transformers, GI Joe and Rainbow Bright were on saturday morning TV. It was believed that those kinds of shows were only produced as a half hour commercial to sell toys and were taken off the air for a little while because of that. Meanwhile, those shows actually had some redeeming value in the lessons that they tought children. Today we have these celebraty reality shows that are only produced to sell one stinking CD or another, but the problem is that there are no morals in any of these shows! Now far be it for me to cry about the lack of morals, but at least the cartoons were trying to be somewhat responsible. Ashlee Simpson and her big breasted (and much more talented) sister are on TV solely to sell themselves.

Now I havent seen tonights episode yet, obviously because it hasnt aired yet, but in the preview Ashlee says something along the lines of (in reference to her SNL lip syncing snafu) "if this ends my career that is a shame." Are you fucking kidding me? Is she that blind to why she is successful? Obviously! And that is the main reason that I get so angry at this show. She is completely clueless to how the world really works. She became a star because her last name is Simpson and because she is related to Jessica. That is it, end of story. It doesnt take a record producer to realize that she has zero talent, all you have to do is what the first season of her show, when in every episode she had one problem or another with her voice. Then she has the audacity to blame acid reflux for the SNL problem? And everyone booing her at the Orange Bowl was because she was rooting for USC? Ughch, you should shut up and die! I could only hope a pray for a martyr to suicide bomb her ass. Seventy Two virgins for the first man to blow that bitch up.

But then again, if she was dead how would I get my anger out? See, for as much as I hate her and her career, I am equally as thankful to her because she has become my outlet. I could be out there on the streets raping stray dogs, but I am kept in check because of this crooked nosed beast (and by crooked nosed I DO NOT mean Jew, so I dont want to hear any talk of that kind in here). I can only hope that this rating juggernaut will remain on the air for years to come, not only for my sanity, but for the safety of the neighborhood dogs. Not to mention, she is bound to crash and burn sooner or later, and better it be on TV than not.

(PS - What, in the name of Job, is a "lala," besides her ridiculous attempt at making up her own vernacular? Imagine two 13 year old sluts talking to each other on the middle school playground. Slut 1, named Trista, has real big cans for her age, which the boys have definately noticed (although there are rumors circulating the cafeteria stating that she had professional work done) is talking to slut 2, who is called Jasmine, but whos real name is Justine and who has a real purty mouth.

Trista: "Jas, what did you and Billy do last night?"
Jasmine: "Oh, lala."
Trista: "Really, how big was his lala?"
Jasmine: "Bigger than Ryans lala."
Trista: "How did it taste?"
Jasmine: "Like lala."

So it is obvious that this trollup isnt only selling crappy cds, she is also peddling smut to minors and creating a new lingo so that said minors can talk in code around their parents and get away with it. im lining up the virgins as we speak, any takers?)