The Locker Room and The Shitter

The Locker Room:

So maybe you know that I go to the gym every day and maybe you dont. But that really doesnt matter. What matters is what goes on at the gym, and Im not talking about the lifting of weights or the swimming in the pool. No. Im talking about the locker room and what happens there. It really isnt that much. I get naked. I shower. I get clothed. I leave. But sometimes other people walk in, walk around, or walk through, most not taking the time to even bat an eye at me.

This time was different though. This time involved a priest. A priest who works out. Nothing wrong with that really.

Ive seen said priest around the gym many times, but never in the locker room. Never when I was standing there as naked as the day I came into this glorious world.

I had just gotten out of the shower room, so I had drops of water covering my silky-smooth, pale-ish skin. I heard the door to the locker room open and quiet steps taken in my direction. I looked at myself in the mirror and removed the towel from my waste. I turned my head in the direction of the steps and saw the priest standing there. He said, "Um, ok," walk past me and sat down behind me.

I continued with my after shower ritual. I put my towel and goggles in the bag, dried off the rest of my body, got dressed and left. Yep. That's the end of the story, sort of...

See, I didnt realize why the priest said, "um, ok" until the next night when I was in my home, drying off from another shower. I looked down and remembered that I keep my balls and general pubic area shaved clean. I can only imagine what the priest might have been thinking! Was he turned on? Did I remind him of a priestly experience with a lil boy? Or has he never seen a full grown man without a bush?

The Shitter:

I have been in three offices over the course of the past 4 months. And by in I dont mean I have visited three offices over that course of time. Nope, that's not what I mean. I mean that I have been moved from one office to another, and then moved myself to this third office. Hell, if I count the office that I go to on mondays, technically I have been in 4 offices in four months, but that's neither here nor there.

This most recent office is a 4 star office building, or so Im told. What gets a building a star or two or four really eludes me

My previous offices were a room in a local township building, where I was secluded from the rest of the worker bees. They were all on one side of the building and I was on the other. Sure I had no windows, but I had a peaceful existence and a bathroom that was rarely busy.

Then, my office was "needed" for a new hire - a former FBI employee who I am sure is much more interesting than me. Or not. Im not sure and who am I to judge. Anyway, Saul Leonard, the township manager (name has been changed to protect the sanctity of Saul), gave me two days notice to pack up my stuff. Then his public works workers came over and moved me to an abandoned school building, which was sometimes used by the area's seniors as their senior center.

I was in the former nurse’s office, or so I was told.

The building itself was built in 1904, and smelled like it. When it rained outside, it rained inside, but only really in my office/nurses station. Thanks Saul. Sure I had electricity, sometimes. And the fan almost made it cool enough for me to not think about how hot it was in there every second, but can I complain? I had a bathroom to myself that only smelled of mold and old building (possibly of old people too, but that smell, I have found, isnt as pungent as old building, so it might have been masked).

I moved myself out of that building and into my new 4 star office building, where I am relegated to a cubicle and surrounded by people who dont know me and dont care. They know Im here, but for what? Ah, that's the question that no one has asked yet. Maybe they will, maybe they wont, again, who am I to speculate.

But the thing about this building that I will never get used to is the shitter. Not the shitter itself, that is fine, but the fact that every time I go in there, someone is always on the crapper making a deposit.

I dont care that people shit at work. Hell, I have. Sometimes you just have to. But it is just odd to me that there is always someone taking a shit when I am in there.

Some people are quiet, like they are waiting for me to leave the bathroom so they can continue with their business. Others are usually quiet, but sometimes let a fart or shit squeak out. Then there are the others who just dont give a shit, or rather, they do give a shit, and a lot of it. These are the people - older people I have found - who just let their shit fly. They fart and shit loudly and dont care what I or anyone else can here. If the door to the bathroom was open, they'd probably shit louder just to make sure that everyone heard them shitting. Of course these people look the most relaxed when they leave their stink stall, so maybe there is something worthwhile to shitting loudly.

But as I said, I just cant get used to it.

"Stalking LL"

The following was taken from the Saturday, August 12 edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer, on page E5. I write it out here so you can see how ridiculous some news reporting can be. In fact, in my judgment, this isnt even news, it is sheer stupidity that offers nothing redeeming to anyone at all. The fact that this "story" was set to print should condemn the editor of the paper. It is laughable, disgusting, and quite possibly the most un-informative piece of "news" that I have ever read. For your reading pleasure I present the following:

"Lindsey Lohan has been receiving unwanted letters from an alleged stalker who writes unwanted things in the notes, saying he and the actress are meant for each other and asking her to meet him in person. Lohan's security detail is looking into it; no restraining order has been filed."

I wont even go into detail about how awful the first sentence is constructed. Nevermind the fact that it is a run-on sentence, but it provides no detail at all, except that the letters are "unwanted" and contain "unwanted things." Isnt it common knowledge that any stalker letter is unwanted and would usually contain "things" that the target wouldnt want to read? And what exactly is a thing? Could whoever wrote this, who I will refer to as Non-Descript-Intern (NDI for short), be anyway less informed? Is this story even true or did the Inquire need some space filled and decided that Lindsey Lohan probably has enough stalkers that this story, no matter the details, is true in any extent?

It's sad to see that something as reputable as the Philadelphia Inquirer would stoop to such lows. I dont even think that the Philadelphia Daily News would print such bullshit! At least with that paper you know what you are paying for.

HERE I AM AGAIN on my own

It has been far too long since I have posted some of my general musings, so here goes…. Most of these thoughts have come to me over the past year and I scribbled them down on one of my many post-it notes that litter my house and (now) cubicle. I actually put them in somewhat of an order today, which has allowed me to group together the following points. Enjoy! Or dont:

- If a woman is missing her left arm, does she put her wedding ring on her right ring finger? Or does she go out and get a fake arm to put it on that fake ring finger? If she can only afford a hook, does she put her wedding ring on that? Let’s be honest with ourselves though, who is marrying a chick with only one arm? I can understand marrying a woman with only one leg - there are some serviceable uses for a woman with one leg. But one arm? I dont see the point….
- If you are a criminal who was sentence to a long stretch in prison, do you go out and get a tattoo of a nude woman so you have something to look at while jerking off? And if so, does it look like this:

- Why does a Ford WindStar (mini-van) with a soccer mom at the helm have spinners on its wheels?
- English people are funny in that they look-just like us, but they have-just the quaintest, cutest lil accent. Wink. Smile.
- Since when did we become “too good” of a society to outlaw selling sex? Why is it ok to use parts of our bodies to make money, but not other parts? Whose grand idea was it to make it illegal in the first place? I bet it was some man who either wasn’t getting any, even at a brothel, or some woman whose husband just couldn’t stop himself from a whore spending spree. Either way, I hope that stick in the mud was hanged and quartered.
- Speaking of sex, how sexual is this little nursery rhyme?
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy ate roast beef
This little piggy had none
And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home
- No matter how talented Laura Knightlinger may or may not be as an actress or a comedian, nothing will take away from the fact that her plastic surgeon made her look like Michael Jackson.
- Ive talked about my hatred for Ashley Parker Angel before, so here goes again. He is nothing but a male Brittany Spears with less talent and no luscious booby-melons. I know his show is (thankfully) over, and hopefully wont get re-newed, but how blatant can MTV be about how the music industry is a shame? All his show proved was that talent, meaning and the music itself doesnt matter anymore. The bottom line depends on how much you can charge a teen for a substandard product backed by a marketing conglomerate.
- When I was a child and had a conversation with my father about something I wanted, he had a favorite line that he would use to convey his feelings towards my needs. These conversations went a little like this:
Me: “Dad, can I you buy me __________?”
Dad: “No”
Me: “Why?”
Dad: “Because I said so.”
Me: “But Dad, I really want them!”
Dad: “You know what they used to say in the old west, dontcha?”
Me: “No”
Dad: “Tough”
He loves me soooo much! Hehe
- I need a Kilt, desperately.
- I enjoy going to retirement parties, especially for people I barely know. Over the past year I have gone to 3 retirement dinners and 1 retirement lunch. I had minimal contact with these people, but was still required to go because my boss wanted to make sure that we had a good showing. Anyway, I enjoy going to these events because I get to watch as older people try to be funny, in a mean way, towards their friend/retiring co-worker, as they imbibe drink after drink. I can only hope that when I retire all my aging, disinterested, and grumpy friends will tell sordid tales of my youthful days.
- My decisions are not dictated by political affiliation, rather by what’s best for the community as a whole. At least that is what I tell myself to sleep better at night.
- Are we the sum of the situations that we survive?
- Right or wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion with equality. That being said, dont over evaluate your opinion and its usefulness to others.
- I believe in living a happy life and enjoying every moment that I can. Being good to other people is of the utmost importance. I understand that I get moody, even downright pissy at times, but I generally try to not let things get to me. If I am in a pissy way, I try to change my mood as quickly as possible. I believe in living a healthy lifestyle, for the most part (and only came upon this realization about a year ago). Baring any unforeseen illness or tragedy, I believe that I will enjoy a long life because of the choices I have made and the mentality that I encompass.
- The Ostrich, the Platypus, and the Kangaroo are just three examples of Mother Nature having a sense of humor and that life doesnt always have to be so serious. Did you know that the Ostrich can be calmed down by putting a sock on its head? Farmers made this possible by killing all of the birds that wouldn’t calm down after a sock was put on its head. The remaining Ostrich passed down this genetically linked calming gene to its offspring and so on! However, once the sock comes off, all Ostrich are generally crazed. Ostrich also vomit in their drinking water. Their vomit looks like our shit. Tasty! They can also kick a lion dead, so watch out. Their brains are the size of walnuts, yet somehow they have survived for over 100 million years.
- I am upset with my parents for having me finger printed when I was 6. They took me to this church across the street from the police station (why they didn’t have us finger printed at the police station I will never know) and told us that they were having us printed for our own protection. Now, while that may have been the case when I was a child, Im an adult now and my prints are on record. If I ever decide to turn to a life of crime I am going to be forced to wear gloves! That makes me none too happy.
- There are many examples of great cultures of influence having failed because they believed that their ways and customs were correct and proper for all other people and all places across the known world. Their ignorance (sometimes aided by natural disaster) ultimately led to their demise. Have we reached the peak of our influence? We, as a culture, should begin to be more weary of our motivations and decisions.
- We are nearly physically able to begin to travel the universe, but we are bogged down with bullshit issues such as gay inclusion, abortion, health care, etc, where we have to spend billions addressing these issues headache causing issues instead of spending that money to answer the mysteries of this world and others! I hope there will come a time when individual concerns are left to the individual (but still backed by the government – allowing people to do as they please, to a limit, national health care, etc) so that we can expand our intellect.
- If we find life on another planet will the Bible have to be rewritten?
- Today we talk about how bad we have it with these “terrorists,” but these fuckin pansy-ass “terrorists” can even hold a candle to the terror laid down by some Austrian painter named Hitler and his Nazi party. Our terrorists hide in caves and run from us, attacking every once in a while to remind us that they are still there. Hitler gained power with his mouth and mannerisms. He attacked his neighbors in broad daylight. He dropped bombs that decimated nations. He then turned on his own people, eliminating 6 million Jews and another 6 million Christians, Muslims, and Gypsy’s behind the entire worlds back. Imagine if he were around today, with today’s money, technology and impressionable youth!
And finally:
- Im not a Jew, but I am still considered one by all Jews, no matter what I say! Christians, for that matter, also label me a Jew – after all, they come to me with their Jew questions. Im tired of being called a Jew, because in my mind I have never been one! Sure I had a Bar Mitzvah, but that was because my parents made me. I knew long before I turned 13 that I didn’t believe in any god. Ive expressed these thoughts millions of times over (ok, millions of times in my mind, less exaggerated in reality) to anyone who will listen, yet I still have to defend my atheistic ways! So if you know me, know me for what I am, not what my parents are!

So that’s it for now. I hope that you have enjoyed my thoughts or that I have at least sparked a few synapses in your head to get you thinking. Thinking about what? I really dont know, but any thinking is better than none at all. Good night and good luck.